Friday, December 31, 2010

FILM: The Actors with a Bad-Year Report Card for 2010

Every year, there are a few actors who taint their reputation with crappy movies, crappy roles, and even crappier acting. It's painful to witness and terribly disappointing when you're confident that they can do better. Here are the worst offenders of the year and my pleas for them to stop:

Crimes Against Humanity: The rom-coms When in Rome and You Again

Dear Kristen Bell,
I thought we had something special. I thought our mutual love for strong feminine roles like "Veronica Mars" was solid. I thought you were better than Katherine Heigl. I thought you were better than continuously playing neurotic, indecisive, and self-destructive women. What happened? Did someone finally tell you you were pretty? Did you decide to use all of that blond hair, blue eyes, and thin torso for evil? Was it Dax's fault? Blink twice if the answer is "Yes." We'll send that vato Weevil to get you.

Sincerely,
Anyone who's ever seen "Veronica Mars"

Redemption: Her drunken bitch role in Burlesque and the upcoming comedy vignette Movie 43, horror sequel Scream 4, romantic drama Everybody Loves Whales with Drew Barrymore and John Krasinski, and ballet comedy Dance of the Mirlitons.

Crime Against Humanity: The futuristic action film Repo Men

Dear Jude Law,
I know you're balding. I realize that your years of being found handsome and charming are dwindling. And I get that you've been plagued by gay rumors ever since Matt Damon watched you bathe in The Talented Mr. Ripley. But...you've never really been the gun-toting badass type. Why start now? Trying something new? Great! Being Sherlock Holmes's right-hand man is a fantastic idea. For some reason, Watson knows hand-to-hand combat. Run with that! Don't, however, slip into a tight v-neck, strap on several semi-automatics, and start acting like Jason Statham's stand-in. We already have a Jason Statham, and he's cooler than you. Much cooler.

Sincerely,
Someone looking forward to Sherlock Holmes 2

Redemption: The sci-fi thriller Contagion with Matt Damon, Marion Cotillard, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, and many more; the family mystery Hugo Cabret with Chloe Moretz and Sacha Baron Cohen; and Sherlock Holmes 2.

Crimes Against Humanity: The action film The Losersthe mystery Shanghai, and the comic adaptation Jonah Hex.

Dear Jeffrey Dean Morgan,
Oh Denny, Denny, Denny. You were once the object of many women's obsession. Prince Charming, confined to a hospital bed, and tragically taken from us. You had an unfortunate fate of constantly being cast as the dude who dies ("Weeds," "Supernatural," "Grey's Anatomy," etc.). But then you thought you'd get out of that rut by playing a rapist in Watchmen...which you died in too. Solid effort. Really. Not...the best plan, but at least you were thinking of one...I hope. That aside, I thought you were finding your footing again. I really did think The Losers was going to do tremendously well. It looked funny. You had a great cast (Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Columbus Short, and Zoe Saldana). It was a no-brainer...literally lacking any common sense. Why would you blow up a town and then let orphans leave on your getaway helicopter? You just made A LOT of enemies. Don't you think you should maybe distance yourself from the orphans and not switch places with them? Seriously? That film was pretty much downhill from there. I didn't see Shanghai or Jonah Hex, and let's be honest, neither did anyone else. You're floundering kiddo. If you didn't have that gorgeous mug, I'd cut you loose. Find your footing, and find it quick.

Sincerely,
A "Denny+Izzie Forever" Fan

Redemption: The remake of the war drama Red Dawn; the indie Peace, Love, & Misunderstanding with Jane Fonda and Catherine Keener; the crime thriller The Fields with Sam Worthington and Chloe Moretz; and the crime drama The Courier with Mickey Rourke.

Crime Against Humanity: The rom-com The Back-Up Plan

Dear Jennifer Lopez,
You took four years off from making movies so that you could come back and fall into a baby pool filled with placenta? WHAT?! Did giving birth to twins make you lose your mind? Whatever happened to your spunk? Your moxie? It must've died with the overwhelming disapproval of Gigli. It's like you no longer have a backbone. Seriously, do you need a map to direct you back to the block you grew up on? I live like a half hour from it. I can give you directions. Remember that fighter from Enough, that firecracker from Out of Sight, or that fearless actress who took on portraying Selena, one of the most beloved Hispanic divas of our time? Did you delete them from your memory when you saw how many zeros were on your "American Idol" check? You aint no Fly Girl!

Sincerely,
The only person who enjoyed The Wedding Planner.

Redemption: A guest starring appearance on "Glee"

Crime Against Humanity: The worst sequel since...I can't think of anything.

Dear Ladies of Sex and the City 2,
Where do I begin? The burkas! Yes, let's start with your blatant disrespect for a culture we were at war with. That's not girl power ladies. That's idiocy. "Showing a little leg" to stop a cab is actually a step back in feminism. And waving condoms around in the middle of market is actually gross everywhere. There was a time, long ago, when your crass, over-sexualized storylines were entertaining. But you've reached a certain age now where you should be mature enough to know when something is funny and when something is in bad taste. Making poor British import Alice Eve endure a bra-less, hard-nippled, slow motion scene was cruel—both to women who never needed to see that and to women who thought by watching a chick flick, we wouldn't have to see that. Teasing us with 5 minutes of Smith, the most consistently devoted and kind boyfriend in the entire series was just bullshit. And turning Aidan into a self-absorbed, adulterous a-hole was cheap. Enough with the gratuitous dick jokes, the claims of feminism, and the piles of men you leave in your wake. I'm 25 and I'm more grown up than you are.

Sincerely,
A proud, Hispanic, African-American feminist

Redemption: Never subjecting us to it again.

Crimes Against Humanity: The comic adaptation Jonah Hex

Dear Megan Fox,
Congratulations on your wedding! Congratulations on marrying a guy who's suddenly getting steady work! And congratulations on fighting the Hollywood stereotypes and not being a total skank bag, settling down, and practically adopting your boyfriend's kid. You are officially the hottest Hollywood MILF—Angie's looking kind of scrawny these days. But enough with the kudos, let's get down to your failures. Let me first be clear, I don't care that you got "kicked off" of Transformers 3. After what Michael Bay did to your lips in the last movie, I would've kicked him in the nads physically instead of verbally. You looked like a blow-up doll—an orange, blow-up doll. No. My issue is with your constant need to try to justify your behavior and opinions. It's justifying it that's getting you into real trouble, trying to make yourself seem like the victim. It's a cowardly way of apologizing. Stop. They don't not like you because your opinionated. They don't like you because they're afraid you'll get away with saying your opinions. They didn't realize that girls that look like you could speak. They're getting accustomed to it. Let them adjust. Keep talking. Eventually, the initial shock will wear off and they'll get over it. Look at Angie. She made out with her brother, had sex with Billy Bob Thornton seconds before hitting the red carpet, and wore a vial of his blood around her neck. Who remembers that...other than E!'s "True Hollywood Stories"? That said, Jonah Hex was the last straw. That accent was horrendous and Josh Brolin was obviously just trying to sleep with you. That was your last free pass.

Sincerely,
Someone who knows you can do better if you put your breasts away.

Redemption: The indie comedy Friends with Kids with Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm.

Crimes Against Humanity: The tear-inducing Charlie St. Cloud

Dear Zac Efron,
How's it going champ? It seems like you're stuck between a rock and hard place. On the one hand, you're hot, young and talented, and on the other, people seem to only be interested in you when Disney's got you by the balls. I commend you for saying no to them. I think it's awesome that you realized High School Musical 4 would've been a one-way ticket to hell. But why did you think making an incredibly depressing movie about a hallucinating teenager would entice any of your fans? Did you even consider that maybe easing them into it would've been a better plan? Ok, ok wait. You did do 17 Again and that was a little sad. But it was also billed as a comedy. What you needed was an in-betweener, like say Adventureland or Going the Distance or even something like 500 Days of Summer. You can't nose dive into a heartwrenching ode to an awesome little bro. Dude, I'm tearing up as I write this and I didn't even watch it. I didn't have to. This isn't about your performance in that film. I'm sure you did great. This is about your game plan. Stop trying to be indie. It's not going to happen. Take a page out of Tom Cruise's handbook. He knows what the people want and since the people keep him employed, he learned to give them what they want 99% of the time, and during the other 1%, he does Valkyrie and The Last Samurai. You keep trying to get what you want and soon you'll get nothing.

Sincerely,
Someone who doesn't miss your singing.

Redemption: The vignette rom-com New Year's Eve, which is the sequel to Valentine's Day; and the Nicholas Sparks-written romantic drama The Lucky One.

2 comments:

  1. haha i agree with all of these, i really loved Veronica Mars and when the reruns are showing i have been known to sit there and watch them AGAIN! but yes her films at the moment are REALLY bad. and to make you feel better, i also love the wedding planner. :)

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  2. Awesome! I agree with all of these....although I don't know what could bring redemption to Jennifer Lopez.

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