ALBUM REVIEW: Fergie's "The Dutchess"

Track by Track

1. "Fergalicious" sounds like Salt n Pepa old school rapping, and proves that she can rhyme a lot of things with -licious. Like Justin Timberlake, she flips the beat every half a minute, then returns to the regular chorus. It's a winner.
2. "Clumsy" is a ballad in the Diana Ross and Aretha Franklin realm. It talks about how she acts nervous around a boy she likes. It's very revealing.
3. "All that I got" is an old school, made-for-WBLS radio station beat, with a little Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey vocals, the soft spoken part, not the high pitched. It’s about how the man she loves sees the woman she really is past the Hollywood gloss, and her asking him if he would love her if she stopped exercising, putting on make up, etc. Will.i.am raps on this as her man. It's good.
4. "London Bridge" is what you've been hearing.
5. "Pedestal" is Fergie's attempt to tell people/bloggers/media critics that she’s earned her position as a singer and that they don’t know who she is, and that they should get off their pedestal where they judge her. She says that she knows what they wrote on the internet and she doesn’t plan to forget who they are (It's the song Perez Hilton claims she wrote about him). I understand having to make a statement, but she put more work into the message than she did the music.
6. "Voodoo Doll" has a semi-reggae beat with louder horns than drums. It’s very weird and creepy.
7. "Glamorous" starts with guys singing, “If you aint got no money/take your broke ass home.” It has the “Public Affair” vibe, but it’s very Kelis-ghetto fabulous. She uses words like "bourgie" and "flouncy," and rhymes Bone Thugs n Harmony style. Think “I’m still real no matter how many records I sell,” said as fast possible. Ludacris rhymes also as the guy who has enough money to satisfy her new lifestyle. As a slow song with an upbeat tune, it's really good.
8. In "Here I come" she sounds like she's rapping in a Missy Elliot-like voice with The Temptations’ “Get Ready” background (The CW has been using that song to promote its new channel). It’s okay, if you don’t mind hearing the actual Temptations singing in the background during the chorus. Kind of sounds like she’s rhyming at karaoke. But she’s trying to bust out the Aretha Franklin vocals too, which is impressive, making it not just the booty album we were expecting.
9. In "Velvet" she tries to seduce the listener Sade style.
10. "Big Girls Don’t Cry" has a little bit of a Pink vibe, but with a less gritty-I've-smoked-cigarettes-since-I-was-eight sound. The song's about her saying she won’t miss someone and that she’s a big girl now. Her hearts in the right place, but the lyrics are a tad juvenile.
11. "Mary Jane Shoes" has the beat of Bob Marley’s “No woman, no cry” in the chorus. In place of those words are “Ohhh, my Mary Janes.” She claims the shoes change her movement, dance and her view of music. In the middle of the song, the beat changes into a rock/ska beat with heavy drums and she starts screaming, “Oh, my Mary Jane” like Matt Damon does at the beginning of Euro Trip with the “Scotty doesn’t know” song. Then it ends with her doing scat singing to a jazz piano background. Let's be honest. The real Mary Jane in this song is not worn, but rolled and smoked.
12. “Losing my ground” seriously sounds like Pink with a better handle on the high pitch singing. It’s a ballad with an extremely subtle Alicia Keys desperation in her voice.
13. "Finally" is a piano driven love song that sounds like she's trying out for a musical. It resembles Christina Aguilera’s Mulan song “Reflection.” It never quite reaches the Aguilera vocals, but does do better than Pink ever would.
14. “Close to You (Bonus Track)” is an okay slow song.
15. “Paradise (Bonus Track)” has those Caribbean drums that kind of sound like the xylophone. It's alright.
16. When I heard “Wake up (Bonus Track)” I, ironically, literally wanted to kill myself, because I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to listen to anymore music and I could go to sleep, but the bonus tracks just keep coming. Then I started to actually listen to her attempt at rock music, with juvenile lyrics, and sporadic yelling like Limp Bizkit, and fast talking like Fefe Dobson. But then as the song proceeds I realize she’s trying to imitate Gwen Stefani and then I committed suicide. I'm going to bed now.

Oh yeah, there’s a lot of counting and spelling on this album. Randomness. My favorites are the first two.