TV TOPIC: Lena Dunham's Season 2 Response to the "Race Issue" on HBO's "Girls"

There were a million things going on last night. On NBC, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were skewering Taylor Swift and James Cameron, schmoozing with Jennifer Lopez and George Clooney, and giving the side-eye to Lena Dunham. On CBS, Eli ingeniously recruited the ginger-Rambo Elsbeth Tascioni to clear his name, and Lisbon finally nailed her smug tycoon with Jane's meddling techniques. On ABC, Rumplestilskin got one step closer to being with his son and a hundred steps further from being with Belle. And I can't even tell you what happened on "Revenge," "Happy Endings," "Downton Abbey," "Shameless," or "House of Lies" because there weren't enough hours in the night to consume it all. But there was one show I made time for after the Globes: the second season premiere of HBO's "Girls." I feared a sophomore slump and I've gotta be honest...

...they're a little more annoying than last season. Now that last year's sheer shock of how they portray this generation's women—as indecisive, damaged, and flawed—wore off, I realize just how annoying most of these characters are. But I put aside Jessa's insistance to stay married to a complete stranger, Shoshanna's weakness for the verbally-abusive Ray, and Marnie's random hookup with the briefly-bi Elijah, because I was too busy wondering why the opening scene was of Dunham having sex with Donald Glover ("Community").

Last year, Dunham, the creator of the series, got a lot of shit for portraying New York as this vanilla hipster wonderland where minorities barely grazed the corners of the screen. So she vowed to mix it up a bit and stop making excuses for having such an insular view of the world—or at least the city. Soon, she announced the casting of comedian slash rapper Donald Glover. Not too extreme. He's basically a bipster anyway. Not too incongruous with their environment. It's not like she hired Idris Elba—although...no one would complain if she did. But there were still whispers about who she cast him as and if he'd stick out like a sore thumb—a sore, token minority thumb. Then the episode started, and there they were, humping away happily like they'd been doing it for weeks.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it kind of felt like the inclusion of that scene—specifically its placement at the beginning of the episode—was her way of saying, "Oh you want black people? This is how I feel about what you want." It sort of makes a mockery of what was asked of her. She wasn't asked to have sex with more minorities. She was asked to give them a voice too. (Personally, I don't agree. Writers write what they know and well, being white is what she knows.)

There's also an underlying unspoken controversy that most people wouldn't dare even mention: the unspoken disdain that some black women have towards any non-black female who would dare "poach" their "good men." I'm sure Dunham is oblivious that this bias even exists, but she probably doesn't realize that she inadvertently offended an entire faction of women who don't necessarily disapprove of interracial couples, but do disapprove of not getting first dibs on the dwindling population of "good black men." So jumping one of the funniest and most talented up-and-coming black entertainers in Hollywood as a response to a request for more diversity on her series is kind of like shoving their faces in an eat-shit pie.

But again, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe his inclusion was thoroughly appreciated by last year's haters, and all is officially right in the world.

TV TOPIC: Netflix's Future Affect on TV Ratings & a List of New Netflix TV Shows

Binge-viewing is an interesting concept.

Bing-viewing (v.) The act of watching more than two episodes of a series in a row.

It's mostly something that sporadic TV viewers and non-cable or -DVR owners do during holiday breaks or activity-light weekends. But it's also a popular pastime for TV lovers who want to re-watch their favorite parts of an old or recently-cancelled series. According to Variety.com, Netflix noticed that its users were quite partial to binge-viewing, given the increase in streaming statistics whenever a new slate of TV shows were added to the site.

The surprising enthusiasm to re-watch or "finally get the chance to see" the entire series of "Arrested Development" is actually what inspired the company to revive the series, and release an entire new season to be watched in one sitting if one wished to. Such a plan has never been implemented in network television history.

The British network, BBC (PBS for westerners), have many shows that fend off cancellation by constructing short seasons and short runs—a light at the end of the tunnel and the promise of a resolution. And American television could possibly do the same if they decided to follow in Netflix's footsteps and release full seasons of their shows. How that would work, given their dependence on ad sales, and how exactly they would disseminate an entire season would be difficult to suss out. But by using the metrics they'll gather from the shows debuting this year, Netflix will be able to determine where exactly each initially-interested viewer lost interest, what time of day they chose to watch, and which episodes they chose to re-watch. With this data they could not only determine the plot flow and content of the next season, but also do the same for future shows. And if they should ever decide to release such information to network TV channels, even privately, it could really give the networks the insight they, especially NBC, need to figure out what they're doing wrong. Maybe, at the very least, the networks will discover what fans of cult TV shows wish they would: a series should be given at least a full season before they're cancelled to let everyone get a chance to either accept it or reject it.

We'll see exactly how much affect Netflix will have on the ratings system and on television history overall after its new shows premiere this year. While there's no word on how its first series, "Lilyhammer," did last year, chances are, given the high profile names attached to the upcoming shows, we'll get the gist of whether or not they're any good from Twitter alone. This year, along with the May-return of "Arrested Development," we can look forward to:

"House of Cards" (Feb. 1, 2013)
A political drama adapted from a 90s UK series, starring Kevin Spacey, Robin Wright, and Kate Mara. It follows a ruthless politician, passed over for Secretary of State, with his eye on the presidency. Netflix outbid AMC and HBO, and committed to two seasons (26 episodes).
Watch the trailer >

"Hemlock Grove" (April 19, 2013)
A horror thriller adapted from Brian McGreevy's novel and executive produced by Eli Roth (Hostel). It follows teenage boys (Terra Nova's Landon Liboiron and Bill Skarsgaard, Alexander's little bro), the former suspected of being a gypsy werewolf, who try to uncover the mystery behind a girl's brutal murder, so they can clear their names. It also stars Famke Janssen and Dougray Scott. The budget behind this 13-episode season is rumored to be $45 million.
Watch the trailer >

"Derek" (2013)
A Ricky Gervais British half-hour dramedy about oddball caretakers at an old person's home. It originally aired in the UK, but was picked up by Netflix after controversy over the claim that it mocks mentally disabled people made it undesirable to British networks.
Check out a first look at the series >

"Orange is the New Black" (2013)
A dramedy created by Jenji Kohan, former head writer of "Weeds," and adapted from Piper Kerman's memoir, which was subtitled "My Year in a Women's Prison," hence the title. It'll star Taylor Schilling (The Lucky One and "Mercy"), Jason Biggs, and Laura Prepon ("That 70s Show" and "Are You There, Chelsea?"), with recurring roles by Natasha Lyonne, Taryn Manning, and Pablo Schreiber (Happythankyoumoreplease).

FILM: 2012's Actors-Turned-Directors/Writers

It's always interesting when actors venture to step behind the camera or put the words on the page. Sometimes they get showered with accolades and leave critics in awe, and other times the world wishes they'd get back to their day jobs. Here's a list of actors-turned-directors and -screenwriters, and whether or not they're one-trick ponies:

Ralph Fiennes | Coriolanus, director
93% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 21 | Total Gross: $1 million
Staging your directorial debut can be a nerve-wracking affair, and choosing to adapt Shakespeare for your first attempt would be considered foolish. But Fiennes' decision to modernize it for the masses is what brought critics to their knees. They heralded the chemistry between him and his co-star Gerard Butler, the casting of Vanessa Redgrave and Jessica Chastain, and the unnerving "portrait of modern warfare, politics and propaganda." Buoyed by this praise, Fiennes has already completed his next directorial project, The Invisible Woman, adapted by Abi Morgan (The Iron Lady and Shame). This time he'll be so bold as to play Charles Dickens, and tell the story of the author's secret mistress, played by Felicity Jones (Like Crazy).

Jay Baruchel | Goon, co-writer
82% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 242 | Total Gross: $6 million
Of all the topics for a scrawny dude like Baruchel to tackle on his first greenlit screenplay, hockey would not have been at the top of anyone's list. But along with Evan Goldberg (The Watch), he managed to adapt this true story, and do the sports comedy genre justice. It didn't perform very well in theaters, because hockey is not exactly an American fan-favorite—not as ignored as soccer, but not as much of a "crowd-pleaser" as golf. Regardless, critics found it to be hilarious and as violent, "harsh, nasty, and vulgar" as you'd expect a real hockey game to be.

Zoe Kazan | Ruby Sparks, writer
79% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 261 | Total Gross: $6 million
Joining the female writers ranks, Kazan cast herself and her real-life boyfriend Paul Dano to speak the words she put to paper, and Dano pulled some strings to get Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, the directing duo behind Little Miss Sunshine. Luckily, she was not overshadowed by the famous pair. Most critics were not only impressed with her writing, but her charm on-screen as well. There were a few, however, who cited the fact that the plot has been done before. Variety even likened it to "a Pinocchio story that spends too much time with Geppetto." One critic from Daily Star made the hilarious conclusion that Kazan cast herself as her real-life boyfriend's fantasy woman, as if to suggest some sort of trumped up vanity. But luckily, a vast majority of them understood that Kazan was attempting to question gender roles, misogyny, and the peculiar habit of both parties in a relationship trying to change each other. Pinocchio, this was not.

Seth McFarlane | Ted, director and co-writer
69% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 3,303 | Total Gross: $503 million
Mark Wahlberg talking to a bear for two hours would normally be referred to as career suicide, but when the idea came out of the mind of the man who created "Family Guy," it's considered brilliant. Well, to his fans anyway. A good majority of the critics, even the highbrow ones, gave into the crass antics of the immature duo, while others thought the joke got old quick. At this point, McFarlane's about one notch above Sacha Baron Cohen and Adam Sandler. As long as those two thrive, I don't imagine the haters will dissuade him much.

Rashida Jones | Celeste and Jesse Forever, co-writer
68% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 586 | Total Gross: $3 million
Being a Hollywood kid, the daughter of Quincy Jones, brands you as the benefactor of nepotism. Anything you do in life will be directly associated with how famous you were before you even did anything noteworthy. But ever since she held her own opposite John Krasinski on "The Office," boldly coming between one of television's most treasured will-they-or-won't-they couples, and becoming Amy Poehler's bff on "Parks and Recreation," Jones has developed enough respect to co-write her own script without garnering any audible groans from the peanut gallery. Classified as a "post-romantic comedy," her film was applauded for its "cliche-averse" plot and "superb central performances," one of which was given by the ever-surprising SNL alum Andy Samberg. The naysayers, however, were underwhelmed by the combination of "chick flick staples with bro humor," and found most of the attempts at soul-searching "inconsequential." Ouch. Makes me wonder what it would've been like if she wrote it on her own.

Jennifer Westfeldt | Friends with Kids, writer and director
67% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 640 | Total Gross: $12 million
While this may be Westfeldt's third screenplay, after the well-received Kissing Jessica Stein (2001), which she co-wrote, and her first solo script 2006's Ira & Abby, this film is her directorial debut. With the notoriety she gained from her short-lived ABC series "Notes from the Underbelly," and the new company her life partner Jon Hamm is keeping these days, she managed to pack her cast full with some well-known comedic faces: Adam Scott ("Parks and Recreation"), Maya Rudolph, Chris O'Dowd (Bridesmaids), and Kristen Wiig. While I believe that putting herself in the lead, turning the usually lovable Wiig and Hamm into a hateful pair, and the lackluster declaration of love in the end were the film's downfall, the unimpressed critics blamed it on its reductive portrayal of parenthood. Fortunately for her, a majority of them believed it was quick and smart, and were greatly charmed by its talented ensemble cast. I can't help but notice, though, that her RT score lowers with every film. Perhaps next time she should consider staying behind the camera completely.

Lauren Miller | For a Good Time Call…, co-writer
56% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 107 | Total Gross: $1 million
The pressure was on for future Mrs. Seth Rogen. Many wondered if she would be as funny as her fiancee or if the studio was just throwing her a bone to get into his good graces. Alas, the critics who enjoyed the film agreed that it was indeed a good time, chocked full of laughs and raunchy humor. But what they enjoyed most was the strong female friendship, and the performances of both Miller and her partner-in-smut Ari Graynor. The critics who dissed the film, however, found it to be the equivalent of a crappy sitcom that didn't live up to its title and was poorly contrived. Looks like Miller might have more of a future in acting than writing. Who knows? Maybe Rogen and Miller will be the next generation's Apatow and Mann. And if a little of his skill rubs off on her, she could get a second shot at it.

RZA | The Man with the Iron Fists, director and co-writer
50% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 1,872 | Total Gross: $19 million
Rapper-turned-actor is a title that is not usually associated with success. Rapper-turned-director, even less so. But RZA, a member of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan rap crew, which included Method Man, Ghostface Killah, and Ol' Dirty Bastard, has harbored a deep-seated appreciation for Asian culture, from their religions to their martial arts, for many decades. And he threw all of that passion into this film, tapping Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu to add credibility. Unfortunately, the haters thought it was a poor imitation with horrible acting, done mostly by him. And even the fans were shelling out backhanded compliments, saying it was the "best bad movie" they'd ever seen. The low box office returns—causing it to break even given its $15 million budget—and mixed reviews hasn't seemed to phase RZA. Having worked on this martial arts epic with Eli Roth (Hostel) for the last seven years, you'd think he'd pace himself once again. Not the case. He's already in pre-production to solely direct two 2014-set films, the crime drama No Man's Land, and the historical biopic Genghis Khan, penned by John Milius (Red Dawn and Apocalypse Now).

Matt Damon & John Krasinski | Promised Land…, co-writers
50% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 1,676 | Total Gross: $8 million
While this isn't either actor's first rodeo, given that Damon has already won an Oscar for writing Goodwill Hunting with his best buddy Ben Affleck, and Krasinski wrote and directed his first film, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, in 2009, it is their first venture together. In conjunction with David Eggers (Away We Go), they wrote a script that Damon's buddy Gus Van Sant (Milk) directed. Despite all of the star power, most critics were unimpressed, citing a lackluster and unoriginal script for an already snooze-worthy topic.

Lena Dunham | Nobody Walks, co-writer
37% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 7 | Total Gross: $25,342
The creator, writer, and star of HBO's "Girls" has had quite the seminal year, what with a hit series, Judd Apatow as her mentor, and a book deal. One would imagine that anything she touched would turn to gold. Clearly no one noticed she touched this movie. Her first film, Tiny Furniture, which she wrote and directed on her own, had a cult-following and twice the critic appreciation than this one. In spite of its star-studded cast (John Krasinski, the indie vets Olivia Thirlby and Rosemarie DeWitt, newbie Jane Levy, the handsome Dylan McDermott, and the "Weeds" alum Justin Kirk), it hardly made a blip on anyone's radar. With critiques like Film.com's deduction that it was "...a self-important nightmare....shallow script and boring situations...Offensively boring.", one must wonder if they're grading her too harshly now that she raised the curve. And given the New York Times' rave review, one must also wonder if some are giving her an automatic A just for attendance. It'll be a cross she'll have to bear until her honeymoon phase with audiences is officially over.

Zoe Lister Jones | Lola Versus, co-writer
34% Rotten Tomatoes Score
Amount of Theaters: 52 | Total Gross: $252,603
This is not her first writing effort. She also co-wrote Breaking Upwards in 2009 with her boyfriend slash writing partner and director Daryl Wein. The most obvious difference between the two movies is that this time they cast fairly well-known indie actors instead of themselves in the lead role, making their film slightly more mainstream. Unfortunately, critics were not as kind to their sophomore effort. Their first film focused on a couple that were trying to orchestrate an amicable divorce. Critics were impressed with its realistic portrayal of modern love and New York City. This film, on the other hand, was a one-sided account of a breakup, where a jilted bride-to-be has to figure out who she is without her boyfriend, seeking comfort and advice in all the wrong places. But instead of being a high-minded introverted exploration, it was considered "a mopey, naval-gazing affair" of "wearisome quirk and smut," and the lead character was too "pathetic" to pity. Most critics, however, agreed that Greta Gerwig, the leading lady, was its only salvation. I didn't though. I don't get her appeal, and would've preferred Jones actually starring in the film, since she proved how captivating she can be in Stuck Between Stations. The duo's biggest mistake was not only giving all the good jokes to Jones' character, but making her a minor one.


*Grosses are rounded.

FILM: The New 2012 Directors and Screenwriters to Watch Out For

Every year some lucky bastard's screenplay gets greenlit and previously ignored auteurs finally get to translate their visions to the screen. Below you'll discover not only the directors and writers who made their big debut in 2012, but also what high-profile projects they already have lined up.

Tracy Letts | Killer Joe, writer
Where does one go after adapting their fried chicken blow job scene for the big screen? Well, I'm not sure what you would do, but Letts has already adapted another one of his plays, the dramedy August: Osage County. You might of heard of it. It's about a family that overcomes certain differences when their alcoholic patriarch goes missing. If you haven't heard of it yet, you will soon, because it has quite the star-studded cast: Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Ewan McGregor, Benedict Cumberbatch ("Sherlock"), Juliette Lewis, Dermot Mulroney, and Abigail Breslin. Here's hoping no poultry is defiled in the making of this one.
 
Josh Trank | Chronicle, director and co-writer
The same way Marc Webb's clever storytelling methods in (500) Days of Summer caught the eye of The Amazing Spider-Man producers, Trank has impressed Hollywood with his ingenuity in filming an awesome sci-fi action film with a meager budget. It's rumored that he'll direct the Spider-man spinoff Venom, but there's no set date as of yet. It's more likely that the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot that he's been tapped to write and direct will hit theaters first.

Max Landis | Chronicle, co-writer
The writer's next project, the action comedy Good Time Gang, has yet to secure a director or a release date, but it already has two leading men, Mark Wahlberg and Jonah Hill. It'll follow party-happy mercenaries who decide to take on a serious case involving a terrorist, only to find their mission complicated when they discover one of them is related to the target.

Lynne Ramsay | We Need to Talk About Kevin, director and co-writer
After delving into the mind of a teenage sociopath, she's signed on for the western Jane Got a Gun, starring Natalie Portman, Michael Fassbender, and Joel Edgerton. In it, a woman asks her ex-lover for help in order to save her outlaw husband from a gang out to kill him. 

Matt Drake | Project X, co-writer
While it may seem like there wasn't much to his film, organizing that level of chaos is actually quite impressive. This year, we'll get to see him strut his stuff solo with the action rom-com The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman, starring Shia Labeouf, Evan Rachel Wood, Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale), Rupert Grint, and Aubrey Plaza ("Parks and Recreation"). It's about a guy who withstands beating after beating to woo a mobster's girlfriend. Match.com really must be coming up dry these days.

Dan & Kevin Hageman | Hotel Transylvania, co-writers
These boys were one of many writers who contributed to this monster mash of an animated film. Currently, Warner Bros. is shooting the latest project they collaborated on, the animated adventure Lego: The Piece of Resistance. It's being co-directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller, the guys behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and 21 Jump Street, and Chris McKay, who does the "Robot Chicken" series. The story is about an ordinary Lego mini-figure, who is mistakenly thought to be the extraordinary MasterBuilder, and is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil Lego tyrant from gluing the universe together. Voicing the little guys are Will Ferrell, Liam Neeson, Elizabeth Banks, Morgan Freeman, Will Arnett ("Arrested Development"), Chris Pratt ("Parks and Recreation"), Nick Offerman ("Parks and Recreation"), and Alison Brie ("Community"). 

TV: Best New TV Scene-Stealers of 2012

These are the new primetime actors you can't get enough of this season:

Andrew Rannells's Bryan Collins in "The New Normal"
I know this is technically redundant—patting a gay guy on the back for playing a gay man is like applauding Sophia Vergara for playing a hot woman. But Rannells has really succeeded in pushing past the usual stereotypes. Sure, his character Bryan is judgmental, feminine, and style-fixated, but he's an eager dad and loving husband first and foremost. That's not to say that he shies away from embracing his homosexuality. A gay advocate on primetime television hasn't been this vocal since "Will & Grace" was at its peak in the early 00s. And I for one am happy that television is finally starting to reflect reality instead of Middle America's truncated fantasy.

Aubrey Anderson-Emmons's Lily Tucker-Pritchett on "Modern Family"
Five-year-olds don't have comic timing. Therefore, what Aubrey does is unnatural. One-liners from children are rarely if ever tweeted—and if so, they are adorable or naive, not insulting and hostile. This girl's got a mouth on her. You often wish you were that clever at your age, let alone her's. And you definitely wish you could get away with saying half the things she does. She's your youngest idol.

Bobby Cannavale's Gyp Rosetti on "Boardwalk Empire"
Sigh. I don't even know where to begin. I mean, I know where I want to begin—the dog collar sex scenes—but I feel like I might need to preface that with something. Let's see…you have never, ever, ever seen Bobby Cannavale like this before. Or, at least I haven't. The first time I saw him was as Will's boyfriend on "Will & Grace." So hunky, so dreamy, and—that voice!—so macho! It was a while before I saw him again trying to be eccentric in the short-lived "Cupid" reboot, and failing to be supportive in the indie drama Win Win. So when he popped up on Martin Scorsese's HBO drama with an Italian accent and a hot temper, I thought, Man! He was born to play a mobster. It wasn't even like he was playing pretend. You believed he was a killer. An easily offended, insecure animal who had to be chained and beaten to be aroused. He was like a mobster's id come to life—the uncivilized, untamed, primal incarnation. The difference between him and the rest of the gangsters is that they're driven by money and he's driven by the desire for respect. But who can respect an animal? It's a recipe for disaster. Every episode you sat on pins and needles, waiting to see what would set him off next as if any of the backlash could ever fall upon you.

Brett Gelman's Mr. K in "Go On"
Mr. K is an essential component to what makes Matthew Perry's latest sitcom work. He pushes the sanity envelope just enough to make the audience wonder if they did in fact hear or see what just happened, without annoying them so much they turn the channel. It's evident from ensemble sitcoms like "Community," "The Office," "Parks and Recreation," and "Happy Endings" that there's always one guy who's a litttttle off. Mr. K puts them all to shame.

Clare Bowen's Scarlett O'Connor on "Nashville"
This young Aussie plays a mousy songwriter/singer who doesn't give herself half as much credit as she deserves. She's the kind of singer who doesn't need the revealing wardrobe or a gossip-worthy public lifestyle to impress an audience of music lovers. She snuggles under your skin with every crooning note, and changes the rhythm of your heartbeat with every tear-inducing lyric. Taylor Swift wishes she was this good.

Jake Lacy's Pete on "The Office"
Pete is a godsent. This workplace sitcom has been gradually boring the hell out of its fans for the last few seasons and it has nothing to do with Steve Carrell's departure and everything to do with the core love story between Jim and Pam dissolving into a boring marriage. They were the heart of the series and now it's just odd behavior initiated by Ed Helms, as if starring in The Hangover has now given him some sort of free reign over hogging most of the screen time. Thankfully though,  there is a romance brewing between the new employee Pete and Andy's on-again-off-again girlfriend Erin that mirrors the love triangle that Jim, Pam, and Roy were entangled in. A sweet, under-appreciated receptionist is secretly wooed by an underachieving fellow employee, who patiently waits for her to realize that she must dump her undeserving, inconsiderate boyfriend. Thank you Pete. For keeping me awake on Thursday nights.

Jared Kusnitz's Lou on "Underemployed"
It's easy to get distracted by all of the other characters on the series. There's the ladies' man Miles, the newly lesbian Sophia, the high-energy Daphne, and the mopy new mom Raviva. So someone as ordinary and chill as Lou could easily fade into the background. But I think he's the easiest to relate to of the entire gang. He works in an office. He hates his job. He wishes he was doing something more productive with his life. He feels like a failure in his parents' eyes. He's hit with more responsibility than he's ready for. And he easily gives into temptation. He encompasses everything this generation is facing in a very realistic manner. Now if only he were real. Teehee.

Kate Hudson's Cassandra July on "Glee"
The rom-com queen has been unsuccessfully trying to remake herself for many years now. Her core audience, romantics, have basically been ignoring her attempts. Oh you want us to see a horror movie? (Skeleton Key) No thank you. You want us to watch a Broadway musical adaptation with Penelope Cruz and Nicole Kidman? (Nine) We're going to pass. A crime thriller with sex and intrigue? (The Killer Inside Me) Nahhh. Could you maybe kiss Matthew McConaughey again? Oh he's busy trying to win an Oscar? I think John Krasinski's free (Something Borrowed). As you can see, it's been tough. But somehow some way, Ms. Hudson snuck past all of those pigeonholing bitches to play a bitter Broadway hasbeen who can out-dance and out-seduce Lea Michele every week, making you both hate and love her. She doesn't even seem out of place like Sarah Jessica Parker. You almost forget she's the mother of two and Hollywood royalty.

Nick Robinson's Rowland Smith on "Boardwalk Empire"
He may have only been in one episode, but it was an unforgettable character. This kid had not only stolen from one of the most respected mobsters in Atlantic City, but he also gloated about it—to his face! He was an enterprising opportunist. He had more potential at his age than most of Nucky's goons will have in their entire lifetime. You admired him. Rooted for him. And mourned him. Oh and by the way, for those of you who've never seen Nick Robinson in anything else, he sounds like that in real life. He wasn't pretending to have a 40s gangster accent. That's his voice. I know, right.

Ray Romano's Hank Rizzoli in "Parenthood"
"Everybody Loves Raymond" fans remember Ray as this deadpan goofball who was constantly exasperated by his family. After 9 years of tuning in for the Raymond family hijinks, very few of them signed on for a more solemn and tormented Ray in TNT's "Men of a Certain Age." He understandably wanted a change of pace, but that was as smooth as Michael Jackson going from black to white—little tough to take. His character in "Parenthood" is a more comfortable mixture of melodrama and humor. He's still this depressed fuck-up, but with the equally damaged and stalled Sarah as his love interest, and his sardonically humorous one-liners, he becomes this character you're rooting for, enough to make Mark+Sarah-shippers finally release Jason Ritter from his contractual obligations.

Zach Cregger's Nick on "Guys with Kids"
I love Jimmy Fallon, but this show isn't as funny as he is—or at least as his writers are on "Late Night." I endure it though because I like watching men suffer. (Read into that what you will.) Cregger though breaks up the monotony—and the stilted sitcom acting—with some much-needed harsh candor that only a sarcasm lover like myself could appreciate. He makes me want to watch his other short-lived NBC series "Friends with Benefits" again. Kidding.

TV: Best New TV Shows of 2012

In order of category, I give you the best new shows to hit primetime this Fall season:

Best New Action Drama: "Revolution"
I realize you've probably had it up to HERE with conspiracy theory mystery dramas, but give this one a try. What's interesting about it, whether the creators and the network know or not, isn't the mystery as to why all the electricity in the world turned off or who did it. What's interesting is how it affected humankind, how we adapted, who adapted better than others, and what it's turned us into. It's like a case study on the effects of technology on an extremely dependent society. It's like when your cell phone battery dies or DVR is on the fritz, except exponentially worse. It's like the aftermath of Sandy on a non-stop, global scale. No FEMA. No China. No nothing.

Best New Drama: "Nashville"
I'm not going to lie to you: If you hate country music, listening to the sporadic performances might become annoying. But if you're as fascinated by the music industry and how it churns out hits and hitmakers and discards them once they're unmarketable, and how gossip is disseminated and manipulated to either promote or destroy an artist's career, then you're going to enjoy this show. It'll make you wonder which musicians have gone through the same troubles and what they're hiding behind their perfectly manicured facades.

\

Best New Dramedy Geared Towards Young Adults: "Underemployed"
In this generation of struggling new graduates, overwhelming unemployment statistics, and loan debt, it's fair to assume that characters like these exist. Unlike most of the "unscripted" content on MTV these days, it's very relatable and fairly well-written. It captures the small victories in life, from promotions to coming-out speeches, and the moments that test us, from pending eviction to unplanned pregnancies. It's a mirror of the current generation that serves to commiserate with the unfortunate masses.

Best New Ensemble Comedy: "Go On"
For a minute there, you thought Matthew Perry would never crawl from under the crippling success of "Friends." He tried with NBC's "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" in '06 and again last year with ABC's "Mr. Sunshine." We could just apply the "third time's a charm" rule here, but I think he's just found the right ensemble cast to replace his former friends, and the right character to allow him to do what he does best: teeter between awkward experiences and heartfelt moments. NBC is actually known for its workplace slash makeshift, non-biological family sitcoms, from "The Office" to "Community." They've cornered the market on people who exert crazy, unorthodox behavior during inappropriate times. And this series about a therapy group that work out their emotional issues, oversharing and overstepping their boundaries, is a perfect fit for both the network and Perry.

Best New Female-Driven Comedy: "The Mindy Project"
Tuesday night has become a neurotic and obsessive ladies' night on FOX, starting with Dakota Johnson on "Ben and Kate," escalating to Zooey Deschanel on "New Girl," and capping off with Mindy Kaling on "The Mindy Project." It's a comedy block of zany female fun that could've become repetitive, but didn't. While Johnson is busy trying to raise her daughter—and her older brother—and Deschanel is trying to master being an adult, maintaining a steady job and learning to stick up for herself, Kaling is confidently navigating the dating world and trying to further her medical career, in spite of many testosterone-fueled obstacles in both arenas. My favorite part of the series, however, is the love-hate relationship between Kaling and her costar Chris Messina. Not because they got that "Moonlighting" thing going on, but because unlike Jess and Nick on "New Girl," their hate is very believable. And his secret affection for her is very subtle. It has the potential to not reach a climax for at least two solid seasons, keeping fans at bay. "New Girl" fans, however, might get rabid as soon as next season. 

Best New Family Comedy: "The Neighbors"
Yes, I know this is a series about goofy aliens with British accents who befriend their new Jersey neighbors—and that that's ridiculous—but I swear it's funny and eye-opening. Think about it: If you had to explain your life, your traditions, your interests, and your habits to another culture or even just a child, you'd be surprised how stupid it all sounds out loud. Santa Claus. Playing hard to get. Predicting just how much affection you're allowed to show your child in front of his friends. All of it makes sense when you're doing it, like grammar, but then loses all logic, when you have to explain it. And that's why this series is so funny. It mocks the absurdity that propels the human race.

Best New Mystery Crime Drama: "Elementary"
If you're a huge fan of Sherlock Holmes, like I am, in that you've seen the movies, the BBC series, and read the books and short stories—and are highly critical of them all—then you might want to give this new take on an old soul a try. Much like Robert Downey Jr. and Benedict Cumberbatch, Johnny Lee Miller's Sherlock is an obnoxious, peculiar investigator with a keen eye for clues and clever deduction methods. He may not have combat skills (as of yet) like RDJ or a pristine wardrobe like Cumberbatch, but he does share their similar lust for intrigue and adventure. The reason to not disregard this incarnation in favor of any of the others is simply his relationship with the female version of Watson, played by Lucy Liu. I'm comforted to have recently learned that they will never ever fall in love, which makes their bickering and heated quarrels that much more poignant for the development of their partnership—and friendship. This series is the making of Sherlock and Watson, an exploration into how two very different people complement each other so well that one is lost without the other.

Catch up on the first half of this season before they all return!

FILM: The Best Performances of 2012

These are the characters and roles that stayed with you after the screen went black:

Anna Kendrick as Beca in Pitch Perfect
It was clear after her 2009 Oscar nomination for Up in the Air that Kendrick had a way with words, and could even work with a scene that was devoid of them. She continued to prove that in the cancer dramedy 50/50 last year and in the crime drama End of Watch this year. But it wasn't until I saw Pitch Perfect that I realized what untapped comedic talent this young lady has. She's like Emma Stone's criminally under-utilized fraternal twin, complete with great comic timing and snark delivery. She managed to make a movie about a capella singing seem smart and clever.

Ezra Miller as Kevin in We Need to Talk About Kevin
Director and co-writer Lynne Ramsay's film follows the life of a mother who's excommunicated from society after her teenage son murders and paralyzes many of his classmates. It approaches this tragically popular news trend from the parent's perspective, and questions whether they're to blame. Miller plays Kevin as an emotionally tortured, neglected child who seeks the attention of his mother to a homicidal degree. You can see the desire for acceptance floating beneath his disregard for humanity, separated like oil and water. And, in the end, Miller was challenged to extract pity from the audience, and understanding. And while you may not have felt or done either, you could see the outward hatred turn inward, as he stared back at his unforgiving mother with regret.

Guy Pearce as Charlie Rakes in Lawless
Charlie Rakes was an obnoxious, dapper man who prided himself on his clean-cut appearance, while secretly harboring depraved desires. Pearce held nothing back in portraying him in all his obsessiveness. He made you want to take a shower after all of his scenes. No matter how clean he looked, he just seemed dirty.

Dane DeHaan as Andrew Detmer in Chronicle and Cricket Pate in Lawless
Read The Breakout Actors for 2012 for why.

James D'Arcy as Rufus Sixsmith in Cloud Atlas and Anthony Perkins in Hitchcock
His portrayal of a head-over-heels in love, closeted gay man in Cloud Atlas was both heartbreaking and sweet. Given that he's a heterosexual man, the permanently plastered smitten look that he had when he stared at his lover was quite convincing—like a school-girl staring at her first crush. And his uncanny resemblance to the late Perkins for Hitchcock's reenactment of the making of Psycho was only part of the reason his performance was so good. The other part was his mannerisms and sheepish delivery of dialogue. He was as reserved and gentle as you'd imagine Perkins—and incidentally Norman Bates—to have been.

Jessica Chastain as Maya in Zero Dark Thirty
Director Kathryn Bigelow tapped Chastain to go from a delicate government agent, tasked with interrogating terrorists, to a hardass go-getter, who would do anything to prevent another attack and find Osama Bin Laden, even defy her superiors and question their orders. She was the face of the military efforts to avenge the thousands of people who died on and since 9/11. She needed to seem initially sympathetic and lenient, so that the inevitable hardening that all Americans have endured against the taunting of a terrorizing faction could be properly depicted. She had to speak for both men and women, for wives and mothers, for the armed and unarmed. She had to scream and antagonize and demand on our behalf. And with every step closer to Osama, her intensity increased so that when the final scene of S.E.A.L. Team 6 executing their directive to take out the leader of the Taliban arrived, we'd all breathe a sigh of relief. She was our emotional barometer.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Joe in Looper
I read that he suggested to director Rian Johnson that he play both the younger and older version of the main character. I imagine that would've been easier than having to mimic the vocal pitch and mannerisms of Bruce Willis, an iconic action star, especially since they look and behave nothing alike. But he needn't have worried, because he nailed it. It wasn't just the prosthetic facial features or the minimal dialogue. He had the cautious walk and invasive gaze down.

Michael Fassbender as David in Prometheus
In a star-studded cast of a Ridley Scott film, you are expected to either take a fraction of the spotlight or a backseat to the sci-fi mythology. But Fassbender peaked the interest of many when he first appeared as the overly friendly and curious android David. He seemed like C-3PO, except with an alluring body. It was pretty jarring to see such a robotic figure express envy, loyalty, and deception. He made you believe the robots will rise against us some day.

Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln and Tommy Lee Jones as Thaddeus Stevens in Lincoln
While it's true that Daniel Day-Lewis did a great service to a great man, I left the theater being mostly impressed with Field and Jones. They had this great scene together where the president's wife was greeting everyone as they arrived to the White House and she chewed out Jones, his reluctant supporter, cutting him down to size for disrespecting her husband—and she did this with a cordial smile on her face. Meanwhile, Jones bore the burden of a man who had fought too long for the rights of African Americans to back down or compromise for anyone. His monologues were arresting and inspiring.

Scoot McNairy as Frankie in Killing Them Softly
Read The Breakout Actors for 2012 for why.

Tom Hardy as Forrest Bondurant in Lawless
As an actor who is currently well-known for his large presence, after playing Bane in The Dark Knight Rises and a boxer in Warrior, it was probably harder to play an outlaw who's not only known to be indestructible and a fearless opponent, but is also quiet, respectful, and shy around women. He had to be that gentle giant that's not so easy to pull off when you're gunning men down and beating their faces in. But Hardy succeeds in romancing you one minute and intimidating you the next.

FILM: The Breakout Actors of 2012

Here's a list of the actors who made a name for themselves this year:

 

Dane DeHaan (Chronicle & Lawless)
I'll give you a minute to get over the fact that he looks like Leonardo DiCaprio circa What's Eating Gilbert Grape…now focus. This baby-faced 25-year-old made his debut on HBO—first in "In Treatment," then in "True Blood." It was a little hard to notice him though, because I was too busy trying to figure out what the fuck a werepanther was. But there was no ignoring him after Chronicle, the sci-fi drama where he played a troubled young boy who acquires telekinetic powers and goes on a rampage. In a time when administrations have to devise school shooting procedures and even elementary school kids aren't spared, DeHaan had to make audiences sympathize with a teenage murderer long enough so they could understand his perspective. He then went on to costar in Lawless, where he played a slightly disabled bootlegger during Prohibition. Amongst burly, defiant gunslingers, he was a vulnerable innocent. He was the catalyst that brought the fighting to a head. He had very little screen time to make the audience get attached to him, to make them plead for his survival, but he succeeded to the point where the viewer was ready to pick up a sawed off shotgun of their own.
What Else You Can Rent: Jack and Diane
His Future Projects: The Place Beyond the Pines, Kill Your Darlings, Devil's Knot, and The Amazing Spider-Man 2, where he'll play Harry Osborn, Spider-Man's best friend and the 2nd Green Goblin.

Ben Whishaw (Cloud Atlas & Skyfall)
The first time I saw this British actor was six years ago in the little-scene fantasy horror Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. It was about a man who created perfumes using the dead bodies of beautiful women…that he murdered. Not that dying from natural causes would've made that less creepy. The point is it was horrifying, but I couldn't stop watching because Whishaw seemed so entranced by the beauty of the process and the results that I too became entranced by the serial killer's skill. Morbidly entranced. He then appeared in the unorthodox Bob Dylan biopic I'm Not There., the dramatic romance Brideshead Revisited, the crime mystery The International, the love story Bright Star, and the Shakespeare adaptation The Tempest before anyone fully realized just how impressive he was. This year, he played five different characters in the Wachowski's Cloud Atlas and Bond's iconic tech guy Q in Skyfall. The only way I can describe his method of acting is to compare it to a sniper. Very reserved, quiet, undetectable, and then when you least expect it, he surprises you. Boom.
What Else You Can Rent: The BBC series "The Hours"
His Future Projects: The Terry Gilliam drama The Zero Theorem with Matt Damon, Tilda Swinton, and Christoph Waltz, and possibly Steven Spielberg's Robopocalypse with Anne Hathaway and Chris Hemsworth.

Scoot McNairy (Argo and Killing Them Softly)
You know those actors who appear in a million movies but no one ever knows their name? I'd name a few but…you wouldn't know who I was talking about. Do know though that Scoot McNairy is a face you'll being trying to place for years to come. He's a blessed addition to the character actors club that Hollywood is steadily stocking. While he played a fairly basic office drone in the suspense drama Argo, I preferred his performance in Killing Them Softly. He plays a misguided delinquent who thinks robbing backroom poker games qualifies as "making a living." When he finally comes face-to-face with his Grim Reaper, a bouffant-sporting, toothpick-nibbling, aviator-wearing Brad Pitt, he looks like a shivering rat, fearing the inevitable. And you were right there with him. He helped sell Pitt's tough-guy routine—who certainly needed help.
What Else You Can Rent: Promised Land
His Future Projects: The drama Touchy Feely with Ellen Page and Rosemarie DeWitt, the historical drama Twelve Years a Slave with Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, and Benedict Cumberbatch, and the futuristic drama The Rover with Guy Pearce and Robert Pattinson.

Mamie Gummer ("Emily Owens, M.D.")
I'm not even going to pretend like her CW series didn't suck ass. But I refuse to allow the world to think for one second that Mamie Gummer isn't an awesome actress. Not because she's Meryl Streep's kid and I'm applying nepotism math to calculate her talent, but because she manages to shine no matter how lame the content, which she proved last year in ABC's short-lived "Off the Map." And because when she's given stellar content, she gives you chills. Watch all four episodes she's appeared in on "The Good Wife" and you'll see. All that blonde and fair skin is a ruse. That girl's a firecracker! And she can destroy you with one word—and get away with it.
What Else You Can Rent: Evening, The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond, Coach, and He's Way More Famous Than You
His Future Projects: The drama The Lifeguard with Kristen Bell and Martin Starr, and the dramatic thriller Side Effects with Rooney Mara, Jude Law, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Channing Tatum.

Craig Roberts (The First Time)
The baby-faced 22-year-old Brit stole every scene he was in in the little-scene teen indie The First Time. I've yet to see his 2010 debut Submarine, but if his screen presence is as intense as it is during the sporadic comedic moments he had in this film, I'm looking forward to it. Part of his allure is his extremely thick accent. He's like a cross between Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint, except he seems wise beyond his years—always so focused, like he's sussing you out.
What Else You Can Rent: Submarine, Comes a Bright Day, Jane Eyre, and Red Lights
His Future Projects: The indie comedies Jolene: The Indie Folk Star and Premature, and an untitled comedy with Emma Roberts.

John Magaro (Liberal Arts)
His voice, I shit you not, sounds just like Dave Franco's—like a surfer dude who's smoked one too many blunts. That's what drew me to him at first when seeing Josh Radnor's Liberal Arts this year. The pipes didn't match the appearance, which is like a gene-splicing of Milo Ventimiglia and Edward Burns' spunk. The role called for a lost suicidal soul, and he played it with such nervous helplessness that it was difficult to not wonder what happens to his character next.
What Else You Can Rent: My Soul to Take, Down the Shore, and Not Fade Away
His Future Projects: The indie Deep Powder, and the Paul Greengrass drama Captain Phillips with Tom Hanks and Catherine Keener.

Alicia Vikander (Anna Karenina)
It's rather difficult to shine in a period piece that you're not the lead character in—especially when the lead actor is Keira Knightley, whose bread-and-butter are period pieces. But the 25-year-old Swede Vikander transforms from a naive and superficial young girl to a selfless and giving young woman throughout the course of Anna Karenina merely with subtle changes in her expressions and tone of voice. The viewer goes from considering her a desperate nuisance and inconsiderate heartbreaker to being impressed with her maturity and open-mindedness.
What Else You Can Rent: A Royal Affair
His Future Projects: The fantasy adventure The Seventh Son with Julianne Moore and Ben Barnes, and the Bill Condon Wikileaks drama The Man Who Sold the World with Benedict Cumberbatch.

FILM: The Most Disappointing Films of 2012

I have a very high-threshold for crappy movies. I'm arguably the only person on Earth who likes Grease 2; I can actually finish the sentence "My three favorite Pauly Shore* films are..." ; and I love Christmas movies—and I watch all of them. So my bar can go pretty low, like un-limbo-able low. However, every year I'm subjected to a few mind-numbing, time-wasting eye sores that make me wish I can fast-forward—and mute—which leads me to my list of what I like to refer to as "Massive Disappointments." No, I'm not exaggerating.

It all started with Haywire. Oh boy. Steven Soderbergh, the guy behind the Ocean's Eleven saga, was going around patting himself on the back for his genius plan of hiring a real MMA fighter, Gina Carano, to play a black ops super soldier on the run. It sounded like a great idea. Why hire some prissy actress who has to go through months of training to do 10% of her stunts, when you can hire a combat-ready badass who won't yell cut when she breaks a nail—or a finger? Then, knowing his public well, Soderbergh pads the movie with well-known actors: Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Channing Tatum, Bill Paxton, and Michael Angarano. This is a recipe for a potentially awesome, ass-kicking spy thriller helmed by a woman. Should be cake. No. No cake. It was more like tofu. Bland, boring, and lifeless. I'm genuinely astounded by how he managed to make Michael Fassbender boring. Michael freaking Fassbender. Wow! Sure, he didn't write the movie, that ambiguous honor goes to Lem Dobbs (Romancing the Stone), but for him to even put his name on it. Not cool bro.

Recovering from that was pretty easy. I had no stake in it. It's not like he was my favorite director or I even follow MMA. But I do love me some Kate Beckinsale-vampire-warrior action in the Underworld saga. I even totally ignored the third film, where she didn't make an appearance. So when it was announced that she was returning to reprise her role in Underworld: Awakening, I was psyched. Then they started being coy about Scott Speedman returning, and hinting at a potential love child being the center of the film. I'm sorry, what? The entire point of the saga is that two people from different worlds fell in love and are fighting to the death to be together. It's supernatural Romeo & Juliet. Why would you kill him off and replace him with some creepy teenage girl? Don't nobody give a shit about vampire motherhood. If they did, Twilight would've glossed over all the romantic parts and gone straight to the childbirth.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance was slightly less disappointing for the mere fact that I didn't enjoy the first one either, so I was basically just killing time, which I'm sure is what Nicholas Cage must've been doing as well. I was, however, slightly invested in Eddie Murphy's A Thousands Words for two reasons. One, I was kind of hoping his live-action comedic slump of ten-plus years was over, since he was allegedly funny in last year's Tower Heist. And two, I was hoping this would be a good spring board for young comedic actor Clark Duke, who I'd like to see more of. But hoping for either is like hoping for world peace. Pigs will fly—first class—before either will occur. I don't know who Murphy needs to team up with to finally get back to being funny, but he should just start cold-calling all currently successful comedic writers and directors before he loses what little respect he has left, which is surprisingly still possible considering that he's voiced an animated jackass for the last decade.

I generally prefer romantic comedies over romantic dramas, but every now and then I break out a hanky and optically dehydrate myself. That's what I prepared to do when I went to go see the Notebook-like romantic drama The Vow, where a guy has to re-woo his wife after a car accident wipes him out of her memory. Throw the romance veteran Rachel McAdams and the hunky Channing Tatum into the mix, and you've got yourself an estrogen-drenched crowd-pleaser. What could be more romantic than falling in love twice? Oh I know! Not having to. Let me explain. In the film, Tatum has to convince McAdams that they were in love, then he has to sexually re-attract her—because that would be hard (pfft!)—and amp up the romantic moments between them, all while trying not to be offended every time she treats him like gum at the bottom of her shoe. After his best efforts, he gives up. She slowly remembers the woman she use to be and why she evolved into that woman. And then she kind of sort of admits to being interested in him again. So basically, she doesn't remember their amazing love or any of their memories, including their mad-dash museum wedding, and now she loves him about one-sixteenth of the amount he loves her. Fantastic. Even her character at the end of The Notebook showed more enthusiasm when her husband told her their love story—and she had Alzheimer. Romance fail.

Speaking of failures, I will admit that perhaps Kristen Stewart doesn't deserve to be as intensely criticized for her acting abilities—or infidelity—as she is, but it's really hard to jump on the supportive train when I see her in movies like Snow White and the Huntsman. First off, let me give props to Charlize Theron for being one crazy ass witch, bathing in milk—that people drink, ugh!—and going all Single White Female on Snow White. Secondly, that was a seriously awesome take on the mirror the witch demands compliments from. And lastly, Theron's wardrobe had amazing detail. That said, those were basically the only good parts of that film. When I first heard that there would be two Snow White films this year, I was eager to compare them, especially since one, Huntsman, was dark and spooky, and the other, Mirror Mirror, was colorful, family fun. I wondered which approach would be the most entertaining, and my money was on Huntsman. Come on, Theron, Stewart, and Thor's Chris Hemsworth? Slam dunk, for sure, right? [Buzzer sound.] Nope. The story called for Snow White to transform into a Joan of Ark-esque revolutionary leader. She was to train to be a warrior, execute rousing speeches, lead the battalion to the gates of hell, and win the heart of her prince. But instead, they ended up in some weird fairyland with fake dwarves, her prince was a coward, she somehow wooed the grieving widower huntsman by flailing around all the time, her "big speech" couldn't inspire a little league team, and she barely trained. Mirror Mirror had it beat by miles—and it had a prince that barked.

Lola Versus was on my must-see list because it was written by a lady, and that lady was Zoe Lister Jones. Zoe starred in an indie last year that I loved called Stuck Between Stations, so I was excited to hear that the actress was also a screenwriter. I hoped her skill for expressing snark and sarcasm was true to life, and I hoped it showed in her writing. The script sounded promising: a jilted bride seeks adventure. Why not? I honestly don't know if the problem was Greta Gerwig's bland delivery of Lister Jones's lines, Joel Kinnaman's lack of screen presence, or the boring and uninspiring events that occurred throughout the plot, but I do know that it was all of those combined. It was like Lena Dunham's "Girls," if it was written poorly and about someone you have nothing invested in.

"TAKE IT OFF!" is a common phrase that strippers, and most likely the cast of Magic Mike, hear often. And women all over the world appreciated it when they did. In fact, they flocked to theaters in hoards to drool and take mental pictures of some seriously hunky dudes: the ever-shirtless Matthew McConaughey, the meathead dancer Channing Tatum, the volatile bad boy Alex Pettyfer, the wolf-by-night Joe Manganiello, the pretty boy Matt Bomer, and the token minority Latin crime solver Adam Rodriguez. But once again, Steven Soderbergh signs up to direct an incredibly boring movie about a very interesting topic. How do you make men taking their clothes off boring? How? That's impossible! Yet, there I was, sitting there with a limp lady boner. Boo hoo. Stripping is soul-sucking. I want to make furniture and fall in love. Nobody cares. What a missed opportunity to have a little fun with the concept. This movie was more depressing than Striptease, and that movie was about a single mother who had to strip to feed her child. Way to ruin it for the rest of us.

Ok, I'll be honest. I was in no way enthusiastic about watching Les Miserables. It sounded insanely depressing. It's 157 minutes long. And I've never seen or read the play. But I buckled down, and kept last year's resolution to watch as many 2012 movies as I could, even if I didn't want to see them. Don't get me wrong. I love musicals. Remember, how I mentioned Grease 2? Well, I also like Grease, Guys and Dolls, Funny Girl, many musical animated films, like Aladdin and The Little Mermaid, many music-related films, like Almost Famous and Pitch Perfect, and I tend to watch any dance movie that comes out, even Step Up Revolution. So liking musicals isn't the problem. The problem was that I didn't realize they were going to sing the whole time...like 98.9% of all the dialogue. Two hours in I was dying for someone to just speak. Any word. Any word at all. I couldn't wait for it to end. It was like watching R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." Half the words don't rhyme because they're speaking in a sing-songy voice. They kept changing tempo randomly mid-verse. And not everyone sang that well. I know you're thinking, Russell Crowe, but Hugh Jackman had his grating moments as well. If it weren't for Anne Hathaway and Aaron Tveit, I would've prayed for temporary deafness.

So there you have it. The films you should think twice about adding to your Netflix queue. And, in case you're wondering, yes I noticed that I mentioned Channing Tatum three times. I'd write him off completely and applaud his future plans to take a year off from acting, but I actually enjoyed 21 Jump Street and his little-seen indie Ten Years, and I'm looking forward to seeing G.I. Joe: Retaliation this Spring. So I'll cut him some more slack. That is, until I see the trailer for Magic Mike 2. Yeah, that's coming.

*For the record, it's Son-in-law, In the Army Now, and Encino Man.