Speaking of failures, I will admit that perhaps Kristen Stewart doesn't deserve to be as intensely criticized for her acting abilities—or infidelity—as she is, but it's really hard to jump on the supportive train when I see her in movies like Snow White and the Huntsman. First off, let me give props to Charlize Theron for being one crazy ass witch, bathing in milk—that people drink, ugh!—and going all Single White Female on Snow White. Secondly, that was a seriously awesome take on the mirror the witch demands compliments from. And lastly, Theron's wardrobe had amazing detail. That said, those were basically the only good parts of that film. When I first heard that there would be two Snow White films this year, I was eager to compare them, especially since one, Huntsman, was dark and spooky, and the other, Mirror Mirror, was colorful, family fun. I wondered which approach would be the most entertaining, and my money was on Huntsman. Come on, Theron, Stewart, and Thor's Chris Hemsworth? Slam dunk, for sure, right? [Buzzer sound.] Nope. The story called for Snow White to transform into a Joan of Ark-esque revolutionary leader. She was to train to be a warrior, execute rousing speeches, lead the battalion to the gates of hell, and win the heart of her prince. But instead, they ended up in some weird fairyland with fake dwarves, her prince was a coward, she somehow wooed the grieving widower huntsman by flailing around all the time, her "big speech" couldn't inspire a little league team, and she barely trained. Mirror Mirror had it beat by miles—and it had a prince that barked.
R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." Half the words don't rhyme because they're speaking in a sing-songy voice. They kept changing tempo randomly mid-verse. And not everyone sang that well. I know you're thinking, Russell Crowe, but Hugh Jackman had his grating moments as well. If it weren't for Anne Hathaway and Aaron Tveit, I would've prayed for temporary deafness.
So there you have it. The films you should think twice about adding to your Netflix queue. And, in case you're wondering, yes I noticed that I mentioned Channing Tatum three times. I'd write him off completely and applaud his future plans to take a year off from acting, but I actually enjoyed 21 Jump Street and his little-seen indie Ten Years, and I'm looking forward to seeing G.I. Joe: Retaliation this Spring. So I'll cut him some more slack. That is, until I see the trailer for Magic Mike 2. Yeah, that's coming.
*For the record, it's Son-in-law, In the Army Now, and Encino Man.