Dearly departed, we are gathered here today to discuss the massacre that occurred this week on Primetime television, and the injustice that has been forced upon us. With the cancellation of 20 TV shows, we must come to terms with the fact that we will never know if the aliens succeed in taking over the planet ("
The Event"), if Teresa will ever take down Alderman Gibbons ("
The Chicago Code"), if Katie is giving birth to the first naturally super-powered human being ("
No Ordinary Family"), if Mina will ever see past Tommy's immaturity and give him a chance ("
Off the Map"), if Lightman will ever tell Gillian how he really feels ("
Lie to Me"), or, most importantly, what badass assassin Guerrero's hidden wife is like ("
Human Target"). And if those losses aren't enough, we are burdened with the fact that several other shows face possible cancellation as well, threatening the lives of the sassy, competitive cheerleaders ("
Hellcats"), the sexy renegade operatives ("
Nikita"), and the lovable love-hate love birds Connie+Larry ("
Mad Love"). Is nothing sacred?
Please do not mistake my mourning for support of all canceled or on-the-bubble shows. I am a firm believer that if a show just doesn't work, cancel it. *cough*"
One Tree Hill"*cough*the revived "
Two and a Half Men"*cough*
"Shit My Dad Says"*cough* Make room for new, fresh, and, please for the love of God, tolerable ideas.
And even more importantly, free the actors from their contracts so that they may find a new series that plays to their strengths. After all, if "
Back to You" wasn't canceled in 2008, then
Ty Burrell wouldn't be the funniest dad on TV on ABC's "
Modern Family." If "
Dirt" wasn't canceled, then
Courteney Cox wouldn't be cracking us up with her homies from the cul-de-sac on ABC's' "
Cougar Town." If kiddie-"
Scrubs" wasn't scrapped, then
Eliza Coupe wouldn't have scored herself a prime spot on ABC's new+hilarious 20something comedy "
Happy Endings." Ok fine, a non-ABC example? If "
Canterbury's Law" wasn't canceled, then
Julianna Margulies wouldn't be killing it every week on CBS's "
The Good Wife." The same goes for
Alex O'Loughlin who went through show-after-show before finding his footing on "
Hawaii Five-O." If "
Unhitched" wasn't canceled, then
Rashida Jones wouldn't be
Leslie Knopes polarizing bff. Hell
Penn Badgley and
Oliver Hudson would be stuck in the mountains…on "
The Mountain" instead of being the charming and funny guys that they are on "
Gossip Girl" and "
Rules of Engagement."
That's really the only bright side. I look forward to seeing some of the laid-off breakout stars of this season again, from
Olivia Munn ("
Perfect Couples") to newcomer
Jake Lacy ("
Better With You") to
Josh Stewart ("
No Ordinary Family").
My only request to those TV executives who put the kabosh on some of our nightly entertainment without batting an eyelash is that they have the common decency to give us a proper ending. Perhaps millions upon millions of people haven't seen the series, but for the 0.7 million people who have, we'd appreciate a little closure—not the equivalent of a text-message breakup. I mean, I heard about it on Twitter. TWITTER! That's just cold.
The writers of "
Life Unexpected" were allowed to write a finale that would wrap up all the storylines. Last year, "
Friday Night Lights" was given one more season to do the same. And now the creators of "
Chuck" have announced that next season will be its last. That's all I'm asking for. A heads up. In fact, since summer is such a wasteland of nothingness (yes, I'm talking about you reality TV), the networks should give all canceled shows an extension of 6 episodes to wrap it up before the end of summer. Granted, I know that might seem like a waste of money, but then again so was
Charlie Sheen.
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