TV TOPIC: Saving Brian Austin Green from TBS's "Wedding Band" Slash Himself

Let me begin by saying, I do not pine for Brian Austin Green. When "Beverly Hills, 90210" hit the air, I was 5. The first time I even bothered to acknowledge his existence was 15 years later when he costarred in Freddie Prinze, Jr.'s short-lived family comedy "Freddie." I was sincerely shocked by how funny Green was. He did not have a reputation for being humorous or, let's be honest, in any way talented, so I made a mental note to keep an eye on him and his career evolution.

Seven years later, he's married to Megan Fox and he's starring in the TBS bro comedy "Wedding Band," where he plays a failed musician who must resort to playing lame gigs. It's kind of like The Wedding Singer, except...not funny. I know Mr. Green can be funny. Therefore, this is unacceptable. What's a dude gotta do to get a good gig in this town? Whore out his wife? Well, before it comes to that, might I suggest a few roles he'd be good in:

• Currently, on "Hart of Dixie," Lemon is fresh off an engagement and re-interested in her forbidden beau Lavon. I think Green could stir the pot a bit if he were thrown into the mix, especially if they gave him an awesome backstory, like say if he was Zoe's doctor-boyfriend who dumped her in the pilot and if he quit medicine after some random tragic mishap. Come on? That's a storyline with some meat on it. And if you really want to get things going though, make him and Wade insta-friends. You'll throw Zoe, Lemon, Lavon, and George into a tailspin.

• As much as I love Travi on "Cougar Town," Andy and Bobby have more chemistry than he and Laurie do. Laurie needs a man—or at the very least a manchild. Let's say Grayson hires a new barback to cover for him when he doesn't feel like going into work—you know, always. It would make for the perfect meet-cute, considering it'll be perpetuated by alcohol.

Ultimately, I'm just hoping Mr. Green can find a more suitable use of his time. I realize he now has two more mouths to feed, but that's no reason to half-ass. Resorting to "Dancing with the Stars" would be far less humiliating.