Funny lines and interesting or annoying plot points of the week.
Desperate Housewives (Sunday, ABC 9:00pm)
It's ironic that we thought Carlos was having Edie offed--when he was just hiding his Cayman accounts--and it's the Senator, Gabrielle's husband, who threatens to have him offed if he slept with his wife.
Rules of Engagement (Mondays, CBS 9:30pm)
Favorite line: "So how are you going to get rid of her?" Audrey asks, referring to Russell's ditzy text buddy. "Oh I was actually still planning on sleeping with her," he replies skeazily. "That ought to do it," she counters.
Cavemen (Tuesdays, ABC 8pm)
This episode wasn't as funny as the first. The funniest subplot was actually Andy's, who sort of experienced what some minorities would if they were alone in a train car with a white person who--in racially profiling them--fled in fear. Although Nick was very annoying and unfunny in this episode (except for the spot-on Hitler imitation), he did sum it up pretty well, when he said “Eek help, it’s a sex crazed cave man.” What makes it funnier isn't just that he's a cavemen, but that this woman lives in his building and really can't get away from him. The most hilarious moment is when he pretends to be the police knocking on her door, then he shoves her against the wall, covers her mouth with one hand, and brings his cell phone to her ear with the other so his mom can explain to her that he's actually a really nice cave boy.
Back to You (Wednesdays, FOX 8pm)
Best line: Chuck and Kelly were battling for the best opening story of the broadcast, and Kelly was furious that Chuck is trying to steal her head anchor position, saying, "You were like a dingo in a maternity ward." Other than that, the episode wasn't all that fantabulous.
Pushing Daisies (Wednesdays, ABC 8pm)
Still love their dynamic. But the best part of this episode was when Kristin Chenoweth sang "Hopelessly devoted to you"--love that they brought Broadway to TV.
Bionic Woman (Wednesdays, NBC 9pm)
This episode was mainly forty minutes of Jamie complaining that she was on constant surveillance. As her boss Jonas cleverly pointed out: "50 million dollars--you didn't think we'd throw in a GPS?" Jamie actually had the nerve to say, "I'm going to call Hilary Clinton. She'll get to the bottom of this," because apparently Hilary isn't busy. The sub-story was an introduction into the real Sarah a.k.a. Crazy Bionic Woman. We learn that she rammed into Jamie's car the same way that a truck rammed into hers when she was speeding and her sister died. It was what drove Sarah crazy. Just when we thought that infamous bionic sound would not make an appearance in this updated version, we start to hear it everytime Jamie suspects Sarah or some type of danger is lurking around the corner. Although it's not as corny as expected, there are still pretty cheesy moments. Like when one of the characters said that Sarah would tear through a wall to get what she wanted and they actually showed her punching through a wall seconds later. Or when Isaiah Washington degraded himself by prefacing an assault towards Jamie with a pipe with the words, "That's right boys and girls, I'm about to get analog on your ass." And Jamie then responds with, "Bring it on bitch." What?
However, sometimes cheesy can be funny. For example, Sarah got some actual dialog in this episode. When she was begging Jamie to help her find a cure for her psychotic break (which she's convinced was triggered by the machines in her body), Jamie refused, concerned about her own welfare. So Sarah whines something to the affect of: "I'm going to go lay down on the sidewalk and die." Jamie replies with: "You don't have to be so dramatic." And then Sarah goes on a whole rant describing how dramatic her situation actually is, ending with: "Not that I can actually feel anything, but I can intellectually imagine that that feels pretty dramatic." That just proves that no matter how much machine there is in her, she's still a girl. As for the backstory, we learn that Will's father, Anthony, was imprisoned for treason. He tried to sell bionics to the highest bidder. And when Jae shot Sarah, Will was the one who revived her, and may have accidentally removed most of her humanity. All of which, adds up to the possibility that Sarah's claim that Nick was using Jamie could be true.
Private Practice (Wednesdays, ABC 9pm)
This episode was mostly about learning Pete's past, so that Addison can start to fall in love with him. Apparently, his wife died in her sleep and he hates himself for not saving her, but not as much as he hated her when she was alive. They had a horrible marriage, which means he's technically emotionally available. The best part of the show was when Will quietly declared his infatuation with Naomi by baking her cakes that she was replacing sex with. He wisely informed Cooper that the secret to women was to just figure out what they want and give it to them. Amen!
Gossip Girl (Wednesday, CW 9pm)
Seriously, they should just let Chuck do all the talking. When a grungy looking kid named Carter Baisey crashes his weekend-long frat party, he insults him by saying, "He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies. The guy's a loser!" Out of context and without a snear that doesn't really seem like an insult, but it was...and a good one too, because it was a double-whammy that hit not only Carter, but Matthew. Poor guy. What's ironic is that this Carter kid was the one who initiated them into their debauchery. He gave them their first joint and snuck them into their first club, so obviously Chuck feels threatened. However, this episode was all about evil people showing their good side. So, not only does Chuck save Nate's ass from being straight robbed by Carter and his con artists, but Blair acts kindly towards Dan when he helps her with some of her mommy issues. It's like the freaking twilight zone. As for the juicy gossip, Nate's dad seems to be really really poor, since he drained his trust fund, which would explain why he won't let him break up with Blair, his cash-cow. And as for the show's gossip, my friend told me that there's a possibility that every season will have a new cast, because these kids are seniors. So the younger ones, Jenny and Eric, would head up the next season. That's pretty lame. I'm just getting used to these drama queens (Chuck included).
Life (Wednesday, NBC 10pm)
Here are a couple things we learned about Charlie:
1) He really loves cars. Sometimes they distract him from doing his job.
2) He still carries around a knife, like cons carry shivs, which is against bureau policy. Apparently, you're only alllowed to defend yourself with your issued weapon or MacGyver style--with anything lying around.
3) His wife remarried 3 years after the divorce and had 2 children. During the first time he sees her in 12 years, he prioritizes finding out where the little girl of the murdered family is over kissing her passionately. So there's a tiny chance he's not over her. And by the way she was kissing back, there's also a chance she's not over him.
4) He's still so affected by his stay in prison, that when his buddy Ted erected a metal fence around their estate to protect them from coyotes, he flinched and non-verbally got him to take it down.
5) He feels kindredly connected to coyotes. Ted says: "Do you know that Native Americans considered coyotes to be tricksters, scavengers thieves, shape shifters?" But Charlie asserts that they're really just survivors. At the end, he comes face to face with a coyote (while in his car) and the juxtaposition drives the obvious message that he is a survivor.
6) When Dani and his lawyer Constance meet, he nervously introduces them. He seems to have some unfinished romantic business with her.
Here are a couple things we learned about Dani:
1) She doesn't blink when a criminal/gangster gets in her face and tries to intimidate her.
2) She's really sarcastic. When she asked Charlie for his knife and he asked why, she responded: "Because I want to swear a blood oath with you and I need something to cut my pinkie."
3) She finally warmed to Charlie enough to lie for him. (However, Charlie kindly asked her not to.)
Here are a couple things we learned about the case:
1) According to his settlement, he can't talk to the retired black cop who adamantly believes he murdered those people.
2) The little girl who survived the massacre, changed her name and was adopted by a family, making her harder to find.
Dirty Sexy Money (Wednesdays, ABC 10pm)
They refer to Simon Elder (Blair Underwood), the supposed murderer of Nick's father, as the richest man in the world. Really? That's quite a declaration. The most interesting part of the show was learning that Juliet is a virigin. The whole Tripp might actually have murdered Nick's dad instead of Simon thing has gotten old already before it even started.
Big Shots (Thursday, ABC 10pm)
So the boys throw James a re-Bachelor party, so he can reacquaint himself with the dating game, which he hasn't participated in since the 80s. As one of the women points out: “The last time you were on a date there were no cell phones or the Internet.” Jesus Christ. His rules upon agreeing to this reinitiation is that they don't allow him to 1) get drunk 2) drunk-dial his ex-wife and 3) show family pictures. Way to prioritize. As usual, Brody is the funniest of the bunch. When Karl begs him to get rid of P.I. photos that would inform his wife of his affair, Brody tries to figure out a justification for Karl's behavior asking: “Seriously what did your mother do to you?” And in the bizarrely customary Karl manner he responds with: “It’s taken my mistress to make me realize how great my wife is.” Weirdo. During this episode, the guys continue to point out their concerns about women becoming more like men. James wonders when they got so aggressive and Dylan keeps up his penis-having-women campaign answering, "Women have had to compete with us for so long, they’ve had to become us.” The funniest part of James' fear of modern women was when one of them offered to have a quickie and pulled out a pack of condoms. He nearly crapped himself. But, as usual, Brody's mysterious (and still unseen) wife stole the crazy-lady title when he told Dylan that she made him carry a GPS-tracking cell phone so she can always know where he is...for his safety. Now if you interpret that statement a certain way, it almost sounds like a threat.
Friday Night Lights (Fridays, NBC 9pm)
Oh my god, Justin Timberlake got name-dropped in a show about Texas football. One of the college players that Eric manages got in trouble for accepting bribes in the form of tickets to his concert. And when they questioned his choice of singer, he passionately exclaimed, "Hey, hey, step off. That little white boy's got soul." Lol Tammy was all over the place this episode, suffering from exhaustion and post-partum depression (I think). So it was funny when the new school counselor, who is really underqualified, questioned her ability to handle single-motherhood. And she snapped back with: "This isn't my first barbecue." Only in Texas can you refer to motherhood as a barbecue. My favorite part of the episode, however, was when Landry finally told Tyra that he was in love with her. It wasn't sappy or pathetic, but unapologetic and brave. He was crumbling under the weight of their secret and she was telling him to be a man, so he declared, "Don't tell me to become a man, because if that's your definition of a man, then that's extremely sad." You go Landry!
Moonlight (Fridays, CBS 9pm)
Welcome to the world of unorthodox vampires. This week we learned that silver is poisonous towards vampires. I could've sworn that was werewolves. A steak to the heart paralyzes them, but still allows them to speak. They can see all the veins under your skin--the better to choose the fullest one (gag). If you sire a vampire (make one), you're supposed to guide them through the transition or they'll turn into rabid dogs who feed like crazy. And if you happen to get carried away and murder a couple people, there's someone called The Cleaner who'll get rid of the bodies for you, so you don't raise any red flags. Favorite line of the night: When Mick informs her that he gets his blood from the Red Cross, she responds with: "The Red Cross does not mention that in their literature."
I'm getting a little iffy with Dirty Sexy Money. I might drop it from my personal TV guide real soon.
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