Saturday, January 17, 2009

FILM: New in Theaters - 1/16/09

If you want to see Kevin James make an ass out of himself, then I suggest you take your kids or your friends to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The lovable lug plays a glorified security guard, whose continuously failed his police exam, and chooses to take his semi-civilian job way too seriously. One day, a group of thieves try to rob the mall on his watch and he attempts to stop them all by himself. James always manages to play the idiot you root for, so bring your pom-poms, cause he'll be needing a lot of cheering.

If you want to watch an anti-Nazi film where the actors actually have German accents--unlike Valkyrie--then you have to watch Defiance. It's the harrowing story of three Jewish brothers (Daniel Craig, Liam Neeson, and Jamie Bell) who lead "Russian resistance fighters and endeavor to build a village in order to protect themselves and others in danger."

If you like to be in horror movies, then maybe you'd like to pee yourself during My Bloody Valentine 3-D, starring a bunch of extremely expendable people: Jensen Ackles ("Supernatural"), Jaime King (The Spirit and "Gary, Unmarried"), and Kerr Smith ("Dawson's Creek"). A guy returns to his hometown on the 2oth anniversary of a Valentine's night massacre and everyone thinks he's the one who did it, except his high school sweetheart. Expect a lot of bleeding and ax-wielding. It's like House of Wax minus the wax and in 3D.

If you were a huge fan of the legendary rapper Biggie Smalls or just a fan of rap history itself, then you might want to see the only music biography that won't even be remotely considered for an Oscar, Notorious. But at least it'll be a relatively nice trip down memory lane. Newcomer Jamal Woolard plays Biggie, Derek Luke (Catch a Fire and Antwone Fisher) plays Puffy back when he had one name and some self-respect, Anthony Mackie (Half Nelson) plays Tupac, Angela Bassett (How Stella Got Her Groove Back) plays Biggie's mom, newcomer Naturi Naughton plays Lil Kim, and newcomer Antonique Smith plays Faith Evans.

If you like dogs, but you know that Marley & Me will be too depressing, then I suggest you watch Hotel for Dogs. Okay, so technically it is a little sad, since the main characters are orphans. But it cheers right up when they meet a stray dog, who they can't give shelter to. They decide to turn an abandoned building into his home and before you know it, they become owners of their very own hotel for a crapload of dogs with a few of their friends. Starring in the film are Emma Roberts ("Unfabulous" and Nancy Drew), Jake T. Austin ("Wizards of Waverly Place"), Kyla Pratt ("One on One" and Dr. Doolittle), Johnny Simmons (The Spirit and Evan Almighty), Troy Gentile (Drillbit Taylor), Don Cheadle, Lisa Kudrow ("Friends"), and Kevin Dillon ("Entourage").

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