I figured I'd get the whole Lily-Rufus-love-child secret out of the way in the headline, since the real juicy treat of the night needs my full attention:
Blair started off the night giving us the Cliff's Notes version of yet another inane UES tradition, the Colony Club. (Should we non-white immigrants be concerned?) Unfortunately, in her description she solidified the Euro belief that Americans--specifically New Yorkers--might be over-impressed with themselves: "It's the colony club--the most exclusive club in New York, which means the world." Riiiiiggghhhht. She then proceeded with her social climbing project--in the obsessive manner that she tends to do--by shedding the juvenile clique she once fought fiendishly hard to redominate. That girl has the attention span of a...Chuck Bass. How ironic? She seemed to have declared her New Year's resolution as being: Taking care of herself before taking care of Chuck. But before she could mutter a semblance of those words to Derrota, she had bolted out of her apartment without a coat (in this freaking weather?) and practically ordered her to catch the next elevator ride. Trailing Chuck, however, took more of an emotional toll than a physical one. I know I would've given up if he had told me: "Now is that it or are you going to tell me you love me again?" Actually, I probably would've maced him. You know, to change it up a bit from all the numbness he must be feeling. I'm a giver.
When she returned to her apartment minutes before her meeting with The Colony (seriously, that names doesn't freak you out?), she had to collect herself in the mirror, giving herself a generous 60 seconds for weeping and recovery. I thought we witnessed the moment when a socialite turns from a salvageable soul to a cold-harded bitch. Alas, those plaid, sweater-vest-wearing hags touched one too many nerves in their over-criticism of her bff and bf, even going so far as to speak ill of the dead: "If you ask me, that car hitting him was a mercy killing." Bart may have been an a-hole, but even I wouldn't have said that. One look at Derrota for reassurance and the real B--the 2008 version--suddenly resurfaced. She realized that she may have been giving up one clique for another. But Jenny's lesson, which I'll talk about in a second, taught us that there's always room for a new regime...and those women need to be introduced to the GG generation. Like B said, "I thought I was leaving high school behind. I guess you never do."
After ditching the haters, she then resolved to rescue Chuck from himself for the billionth time, went down to his club, which he repurchased, and found him before he could drunkenly leap off the roof. Ed Westwick did a pretty good job of portraying a wasted, lifeless soul as he bellowed "I'm Chuck Bass!" seconds before whispering "...no one cares." Awww. :( B then begged for him not to do this to her and he obliged. Of course, he did--practice makes perfect. B already knows this shtick. That was the part where she was scheduled to say how much she cares about him, and where he acts all grateful until the sun shines again. At least tomorrow morning slash the next episode, he'll have a legitimate reason for shunning her. As it turns out, B didn't ring in the New Year all alone. Even though his uncle Jack seemed utterly useless and ill-informed, he is a Bass. So it's not toooo surprising to hear B utter the words: "He can't know what happened on New Year's."
Honestly, I was holding out hope that she was referring to some bulimia-scare or bout of self-mutilation that she suffered because of his rejection, and that she genuinely wanted to spare him the anguish. Alas, it wouldn't be GG if someone wasn't putting their body parts in places where they shouldn't. And to think, she almost had him. Next week, we see in the previews that not only does Chuck inherit a majority of the company, but as revenge, Jack tells him about his rendezvous with his beloved B. Come on Blair! Please tell me you still have a backbone and that you'll crush him. Don't let the letter in Queen B start to stand for "boring."
Speaking of the semi-mundane:
Dan and Serena's love story is like the Titanic. No, not Jack and Rose, the actual Titanic--that shit just keeps sinking. And if you insist on me keeping up this metaphor, the iceberg is their parents. If they had just resolved their romantic relationship in the past, none of this crap would've ever happened. The what-ifs of how different their lives would've been with an additional Van der Woodsen/Humphrey are endless. But in this New Year, let us think of the future and not dwell on the past. Oh and what a future it is. Apparently, charming moments, like when Dan felt the need to tell his dad that he wasn't allowed to hug him after walking him to school like he was in the third grade, will vanish. Choice dialogue like Dan's sarcastic words after getting into an argument with his dad--"Oh, you're not going to walk me today? I'm heartbroken."--will be replaced with awkward silences at the Van der Woodsen-Humphrey dinner table, where he'll no longer be able to eat, since we witnessed him recoil at Serena's touch after discovering they shared a sibling. Even drunk Chuck had the nerve to say: "Sharing a sibling--that's a bit much...even for me." That's a red flag right there. Can't wait to see S put on her betrayed face and then awkwardly greet her new brother before handing Eric to him--finally free from the older sibling duties--and going off to drink her sorrows away...maybe even with Chuck. After all, what better way to get back at B, then to sleep with S. Woa! I just noticed this was a Nate-free episode. Wow! He is the worst friend on the planet. Ok fine, he's a close second to Georgina...who just so happens to be rumored to return at the end of the season to seek vengeance on B. *Gasp* Chuck wouldn't!!!
Oh yeah, and we were also subjected to some half-assed, after school specialish scenario where lil J, who has suddenly decided to pull a Bow Wow and drop the "lil," tried to save Nelly from the crazy witches of the East Side. I about had enough when P uttered the words: "The only way Nelly is leaving...is in a body bag," inspiring the red-head to speak our minds: "God, P. Tone down the crazy." There was one moment when they sort of had me laughing a little: P decided to retaliate by complaining to her father and referring to him as "daddy." Girls who sleep with their father's business partners should really just retire that word. So after a lot of off-the-cuff retaliation, Jenny realized she could just blackmail them into being nice to Nelly. Of course, Nelly was only accepting her kindness because she thought J was scratching her way to the top as the new Queen B in Blair's absence, granting her a guaranteed invitation to an exclusive party. But since it's a new year and she's a new J, she declined the offer and lost Nelly in the process. I guess J's gearing up for a drama-free high school experience. Pfft, until someone else takes the throne. I pray that someone will be a formidable enemy that puts B's legacy to shame. Hmm, I wonder if Georgina got left back a year? ;)