I'm not quite sure why the entire episode was devoted to remembering a guy we've never even seen before, but I did appreciate what it brought to the table. We learned from flashbacks that:
• Bree: Her ex-husband was such a douche that he broke her spirit enough to almost destroy the incredible cooking maven we know today.
• Gabrielle: She was a total bitch to the women the first time she moved to Wisteria Lane because she missed the city, and she had to humble herself to get them to like her, admitting that she was lonely and neglected by her husband.
• Lynette: She almost chose her job over her kids. When she went into labor once, she proceeded to have a phone interview for a job she really wanted. Tom tried to get her to go the hospital, but she refused, screaming: "If you take this phone, I'll give birth to this baby and
beat you with it." Clearly she was determined. But as usual Tom had something snarky to say in response. When she was done with the interview, she told him that she got the job and he responded, "The baby's arm is sticking out, why don't you high five it?" Classy.
• Susan: She cries over men a lot.
• Edie: Well, actually she just confirmed that she will have sex with anyone--even an old man--just to validate her self-image.
"The New Adventures of Old Christine"
• New Christine revealed that she's not a very worldly person...and by worldly she means trashy. When she was in college, she lived at home and she usually went straight home after class to take care of her grandparents, which solicited the comment, "What are you...Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Wow! That was a tricky one. If you haven't seen the movie more than once or recently, you won't get that. Nobody ever remembers why it's so amazing that Charlie found the golden ticket. They just remember all the crazy shit that goes down once he enters the factory.
• Since New Christine had never been to Spring Break or guzzled a keg at a frat party, Old Christine was guilted into treating her to a bachelorette party in Vegas. Unfortunately, once she got drunk, she became uncontrollable to the point that Barb felt the need to say: "What are we going to do about Lindsay Lohan?" Ouch! Once you become a TV joke, like Paris Hilton, there's no going back...unless you're Robert Downey Jr. or Mickey Rourke. Girls are rarely as lucky--just ask Winona Ryder.
The night really belonged to Tom. He was seriously on point--almost as hilarious as Jake on "Two and a Half Men."
• Allison was trying to get her son Tom to go on a date with their new neighbor's daughter. So Tom felt the need to say, "After this I don't want to ever hear again about how my big head ruined my body."
• Once Tom met the smoking hot girl, he was at a loss for words and the words he did say made no sense. Gary gave him some money, causing Tom to ask, "Do I pay her now or after?" Later as he was leaving on his date, he nervously departed with: "I just want to let you know that I'm completely unprepared for this and it's all your fault."
• When he returned from his date, he started ranting about how attractive she was and asked his father if he hallucinated that fact, forcing Gary to reply: "The law doesn't really let me have this conversation with you, but I understand the words you're saying." Well said.
• The only genius line uttered by an adult that night was from Gary when he revealed why he named the house he was forced to give to Allison in the divorce: "When you're in prison, you get lonely and you start to name things."
• I was a little surprised that Adrianna wasn't the car accident victim and that the only reason she didn't get an abortion was because she'd passed the three month mark. Wow! You know you're a skinny bitch when three months pass and you still look anorexic.
• The biggest surprise, of course--besides Ethan getting into a car accident--was that Ty is the real father of Adrianna's baby. Can't wait to see how unexcited he's going to be about that. I thought Adrianna was going to give her child to Brenda, but with Ty in the picture that might be difficult to do. Who knows how his rich parents will feel about it.
• The worst part of the evening was Annie's whining about her acting skills. Face it sweetie sometimes other people are going to be better than you and Adrianna is damn good. She knows pain and anguish because she's experienced it. What have you experienced? A broken nail.
• The best part of the evening though was when Naomi pretty much emancipated herself after discovering that her father was cheating on his mistress. What doesn't that woman get? He doesn't like to be domesticated. He's like a wild dog. Naomi's feigned kindness when she said, "I don't need a father anymore, but thanks," was the highlight of the evening.
• As for the failed attempt to show Ryan regain his hunger to enlighten students and Silver's continuous journey down the rabbit hole...can you say "over-acting"? Dixon dumping her is the final nail on her crazy coffin and next week we'll get to see her out-crazy Britney.
• This week's episode was pretty boring. Besides the fact Lily and Megan grew closer as they started to accept that their mom's a bitch and the fact that their dad decided to be in denial and booze it up again, Sage and Rose ended their stint as famous socialites so they can be normal teenagers. I sort of liked Sage's lame excuse for wanting to be famous. Her attempt to provide for her little sister without Laurel's money is impressive. But maybe she should aim a little higher.
• The best dialogue of the night was an exchange between Megan and Will that occurred because she was trying to get him to cancel the check he wrote to her scammer-of-a-mom:
Megan: Please tell me you didn't give her the money in a briefcase.
Will: No, this isn't Mission Impossible.
Megan: You're a billionaire. Isn't there like a special hotline for you guys?
Will: Yeah, 1-800-I'm-Rich.
Megan: That's not enough numbers.
Why oh why did she count the numbers?
It was all about death: asking to die, being afraid to die, and trying not to. You'd think that all of the episodes are about death, but this one really was about the sudden appreciation for life and wanting someone to be there for you if you're being robbed of it. Bailey's patient got organs, Meredith granted the serial killer's wish and acted as a friendly face in the room as he was being executed, and Izzie....well, Izzie finally figured out that Denny was "there for her" in the sense of being there to take her to heaven. It was all quite satisfying. However, the most surprising scene wasn't when Lexie and Mark's relationship transcended the sexual after his penile injury or when Sadie pretended to be the one who caused it so that the other interns wouldn't find out the truth, but when Christina finally stopped holding a grudge and helped Meredith through her post-execution sadness. In two weeks, the series will crossover with "Private Practice," so we'll have to watch both episodes to see if Derek saves Addison's brother. Of course, she has to come back into the picture once he's ready to propose to Meredith.