Thursday, January 01, 2009

TV: TOP 25 LINES of 2008

30 Rock
• In classic Tracy tradition, the psychotic, walking stereotype was complaining about the hardships of a black man, telling Jenna: "White people stole jazz, Rock n' Roll, Will Smith, and heart disease." Really? Will Smith? Maybe Michael Jackson, but not Will.
• In the episode where Kenneth decides to leave New York for good, Tracy begs him to stay, squealing: "Who will help me tell white people apart?"
Liz’s beeper-selling boyfriend wasn’t too keen on her baby-having plans. Thankfully, he proved why he shouldn’t even be considered for the baby daddy position, when he said: "Prenatal—I know what that means. 'Pre-' meaning 'before' and 'natal' meaning 'ruined.'"

Big Bang Theory
Leonard wanted Sheldon to congratulate Raj for his achievement and smile, but when he tried, he looked terrifying. So Leonard said, "We're here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman." Ahh, the first of many Joker references.
• This show is often a portal for geek venting and one of their pet peeves seems to be the way most technologically retarded people refer to Mac computers: "What computer do you have? And please don't tell me a white one." In our defense, the Mac is the only white one.
• Tact isn’t one of their strong suits, so it was no surprise that one of them tried to bribe an African American with a five dollar bill by saying: "How about if I were to introduce you to the man who freed your people?"

Brennan is notorious for being socially inept, but it’s substantially more entertaining when she behaves this way with people who aren’t accustomed to her personality. While they’re searching for a replacement for Zack, their wiz kid who went psycho, they’ve decided to test out new intern candidates. Unfortunately, Brennan is a hard nut to crack. When a kiss ass student chirped: "I'm the third in my class," she promptly responded: "I'd like the names of the two students in front of you." Ouch! Pick your face up off the floor…and examine it.

Chuck’s perception of the world is half of what makes this series enjoyable. So when he sporadically describes his partners-in-stopping-crime as though he were narrating a Discovery channel special, it amps up the hilarity. In the episode where it’s revealed that Casey was once in love, Chuck whispers: "For a long time I thought Casey was built like a Ken know, down there." More like G.I. Joe.

“Desperate Housewives
• Children are often used in adult TV programs as catalysts to create some sort of drama, but sometimes the plots are too contrived or just plain boring. While I may not love the pedophilia/murder plot involving one of the Scavo twins, I did appreciate the comic relief. The idea of Lynette trying to snoop in her son’s life by engaging in a seemingly platonic relationship with him online while posing as a teenage girl is pretty funny. But I nearly died laughing when she signed her inevitable rejection letter "Love, Mom," especially after Tom jokingly suggested she write, "Dear Porter, I really like you, but I want to see other offspring."
Andrew wasn’t really in the forefront of any interesting plots this season—except, of course, when he briefly introduced his new boyfriend, a former porn star—so I was happy to see that not all of his dialogue had lost its dry humor. He actually had the balls to sell Gabby a piece of crap car to replace the one she had to sell, and after she discovered the car overheats, he told her to avoid hills and keep it in the shade. Her response was: "I can't go around trying to avoid gravity and sunlight."
Gabby out-did herself this season, managing to epitomize the nagging wife of every husband’s nightmare, while also bringing humanity to a new low. Her angry retort to a wheel-chair bound man demanding the last handicap parking spot was: "I have to walk in heels all day long, you get to sit in a chair and roll." The funniest thing about it is that you all were thinking the same thing.

Gossip Girl
Blair isn’t the only character that gets under Chuck’s skin. Dan often effortlessly drives Chuck to mutter insults through clenched teeth. So whenever they exchange scathing words, I can’t help but keep score. "Regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds...My family can take care of me. What do the Humphrey's have to offer? Used metro cards?"
• Sometimes Gossip Girl has the best lines of the night and she really topped herself the day everyone discovered Jenny’s boyfriend was a closet homosexual. "Don't worry Little J. The sun will come out tomorrow...even though your boyfriend did today."
• It wasn’t until I saw the Yale episode that I realized how unbelievably annoying it must be to be Serena’s bff. This line captured that perfectly, while sullying the name of one of the greatest geekified villains of all time. "I'm sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie.”
• The defining quote of the series is the response that everyone's favorite character always gives when he's justifying his actions or power: "I'm Chuck Bass."

• If Cappie is the campus heathen and Rusty is morally on-the-fence, then Dale is definitely the resident do-gooder. So when he got trashed at one of the frat parties and started running around, it was nice to know that even under the influence, he was still feeling the touch of the Lord, screaming: "Resurrections Rock!"
• Of course, there were also those moments where Dale just went a little too far with his never-ending sermons: "The way I see it I'm saving your peeps from eternal damnation. I'm your own personal get-out-of-hell free card."
• I love when there’s network cross-over, so Cappie’s CW shout out when he crashes Omega Kai’s party to steal beer was much-appreciated: "Good Lord, it's like we died and went to Gossip Girl."
• Calvin is one of the most level-headed characters on the series, but his words of wisdom are always more appreciated when they’re drenched in sarcasm. In the episode where Ashleigh has major credit debt issues, Calvin starts to take responsibility for enabling her addiction, saying: "I feel like Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.”

Grey’s Anatomy
• The patient said that his Izzie-equivalent—his light at the end of the dark tunnel—was a checkout girl that he'd always intended on saying "hello" to. And, lo and behold, at the end of the episode, grumpy old, anti-social Alex said "hello" to Izzie. It gave me chills.
• I like to think of Christina and Meredith as the depressing version of Laverne and Shirley. So whenever they’re in a groove, playing off of each other, and finishing each other’s thoughts, I really get the sisterly vibe they’re supposed to have. In a scene of Callie’s self-discovery, she asks them, “Anyone ever think you two were a couple?” Taking no offense, Meredith morbidly replies: “No, because we screw boys like whores on tequila.” And Christina doesn’t miss a beat, adding: “And then we either try to marry them or drown ourselves.”

True Blood
• I wasn’t really of fan of Tara in the beginning because of her over-the-top “ghetto” behavior, but you could never deny that she spoke the truth. "School is just for white people looking for other white people to read to them. I figured I'd save my money and read to myself."

Ugly Betty
• Snarky gay guys are usually the highlight of every series (i.e. “Brothers & Sisters”), but Justin's never been the one to spew colorful insults. So when Hilda was informed that she had to transform her salon into a boutique, it was great to hear Justin hilariously suggest a few items she could sell: "First you can get rid of this hideous lamp, a half a dozen of these saints, and while you’re at it, you can get rid of Betty’s hats." The saint statues comment was by far the funniest, because if you're Hispanic, you know that whole "Jesus is watching you" thing isn't figurative. He's in the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom...!!!
• Even though Mark’s mother was unaware that he was gay, it was never a secret to us. So when he visited a psychic with Amanda to help her find her dad, it was pretty funny that he said: "The first time I came here, she totally figured out I was gay," but even funnier when Amanda responded: "So did the doctor who delivered you."
Wilhelmina prides herself as a woman who is above all laws and restrictions, so it shouldn’t surprise us that she considers herself above God, going so far as to be blasphemous and quip: "This'll be the greatest comeback since...Jesus." I don’t even think if Biggie Smalls came back from the dead it would top Jesus.

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