You sold out!...and I don't mean in the theaters. It's so obvious that the abomination that you birthed, Jennifer's Body, is just pure teensploitation. What's that you ask? It's when Hollywood abuses a teen's interests in order to profit from their consistency. So some major exec noticed all the kids going gaga over your sharp-tongued depiction of teen pregnancy in Juno and thought they could treat the art of movie-making like it was a math problem:
We should've known it wasn't authentic DC-material. The signs were everywhere:
1) It's called Jennifer's Body. Sure, you did name Juno after the main character, but if you were really being consistent, you would've called that Juno's Vagina or Juno's Uterus or Juno's Fetus. No, the studio named it Jennifer's Body, because they knew teenage boys would eat it up.
2) You cast Megan Fox. That should've been a red flag from the beginning. That right there is studio casting if I've ever seen it. Sure, not many people raved about Ellen Page's acting abilities before Juno either, but she also wasn't named the Sexiest Woman Alive.
3) Speaking of which, ladies and gentleman, I don't care if Amanda Seyfried shaves her head and dyes her teeth green, she'll never pass for unattractive, let alone geeky. I give props to Seyfried for playing awkward as best she could, but there are geeks on this planet who would settle for that kind of "ugly."
4) A two-minute-long, girl-on-girl makeout scene dissolving the entire underlying theme about Needy and Jennifer's frenemy relationship, their unbreakable bond, and their mutual envy. And you had the nerve to openly talk about it like it was the highlight of the film. It's almost as if you knew it couldn't hold up on its own. Hell, with the friendship story shot to hell, since Needy never, not once, uttered any remorse or concern about her bff's soul, and was far more concerned for her boyfriend's body, the film dissolved into a cautionary tale for aspiring indie bands. Don't go the devil route. Stick to Letterman showcases and "lame ass soundtracks."
5) Open-ended ending. Sure, Juno could have a sequel, where she meets her kid when it's older yata yata, but it won't. If you can't tell a story in two hours, you're milking it. Even Francis Ford Coppola felt like a whore when he did Godfather II.
Let's face it DC, if this were an allegory, Jennifer would be Hollywood and all those eager boys would represent every budding writer who gets a taste of something they've craved all their lives. They might struggle a little bit in the beginning, as she feeds on their fear and their hope, but at least she noticed them.
There's one thing, however, that could upgrade this film from a C- to a B+: changing the ending. You got all arty on us with snapshots and a documentary of the Satan-worshipping band at the height of their fame, and a security cam of the fatal fate they meet. But I would've preferred an actual dialogue exchange. I would've wanted to see them beg for their lives. The best part of revenge is the pre-murder send-off line. It's true, we got one for Jennifer, but the people we really wanted to see dead was the band. That line should've been figuratively and literally killer. Major disappointment!
Lame-ass Lines (paraphrased a bit):
• Jennifer referring to Needy's breasts: "They're like smart bombs. Just point them at boys and watch shit get real." What does that even mean?
• After her skin heals from being sliced: "It's like some X-Men shit, right?"
Honorable Mentions (paraphrased a bit):
• Needy referring to Adam Brody's character: "He was skinny, twisted, and evil, like this petrified tree I saw as a kid."
• Classmate defending the band's fake rescue story: "It's true! It's on their Wikipedia!"
This rant erupted from my dissatisfaction and is purely my opinion.