TV: Last week on the tube...

Funny lines and interesting or annoying plot points of the week:

Desperate Housewives
Thankfully Lynette's family lived through the tornado. But Brie's house, as well as several others, didn't fair too well. As a result, all the contractors in town are busy, so the gay couple offers their contractor friend. When she realized the guy would be gay, the snarky gay neighbor quips: "He can build homes and decorate them. Sometimes God gives with both hands.” Seemingly unfortunate for Susan, Brie and her husband move into Julie's room. By Brie's standards Susan was living in squalor, so she spruced up the place, added candles, tablecloths, etcetera. But instead of feeling like her space was invaded, Susan welcomed it. And when Brie made a feast for dinner, Susan whispers to Julie: "This has just replaced your birth as the best day of my life," and Julie asserts: "She’s like the mother I never had," and Susan takes absolutely no offense. Being so smitten with their new arrangement, they refuse to let Brie leave. They catch a break when the gay contractor tries to back out of the renovation deal because of a bad breakup he's going through. Brie begs the neighbors to set him up with one of their friends and the snarky one explains that his friends are 9's, attractive-wise, and the contractor is a 3. And ultimately, "In the gay world, 3 does not go into 9." So Brie takes matters into her own hands by shamelessly dangling Andrew in front of him. Once Andrew notices, he
complains: "You’re pimping me out for a new roof." However, Brie defends herself, adding: "...and new windows." Ultimately, he pimps himself out for a new plasma TV. But like I said, Susan was in heaven, so she sabotages their chaperoned blind date--a date so excruciatingly painful to watch that if Andrew were underaged, every mother in America would've called Child Services forgetting that it's just a TV show. Once the charade is all over, Susan explains that she appreciates being waited on hand-and-foot while she's pregnant because her husband is in rehab and she feels like her world is falling apart. Awww. Then we switch to the fact that not only are the Solis' poor, but Carlos is now officially blind. So suck it up Susan.

Cashmere Mafia
So far, these ladies are growing on me. Juliet's my favorite--along with her wardrobe--and Caitlin's a close second. I like that they're treating her lesbian relationship like any other, and not like some gimmick. It was adorable when she started spazzing about her inability to sustain a relationship, blurting out: "My life is like a romantic comedy, except it's never romantic or comedic. My life is nothing like a romantic comedy." As for Zoe, I was really surprised that she was just as threatened by a stay-at-home mom's involvement with her kids as she was with that same mom's interest in her husband, exclaiming "Don't hit on my kids." Juliet's husband had the audacity to take her to marriage counseling and blabbed about her threat to cheat and even the score. He even had the balls to call her an Ice Queen because she shows no emotion. She nearly bit his head off, saying she should've killed him and then he'd know how she feels. That's one way to express your emotions. As for Mia, her lame fire-her-friend plot has been so overdone that there were no surprises. Not to mention, her friend was super camp--and not in the good way. His exclamation of how at the rate that she's going she's going to have a lot of bodies on her hands was a bit much and a tad cliche. But as they say, Sex in the City wasn't a hit right out of the gate and Desperate Housewives had its dry spells as well.

Gossip Girl
Alas, it is the last episode until those poor writers get their much needed payday. But that doesn't stop the GG crew from going out with a bang. Dan declares his undying love to Serena, inspired by the rumor that she was pregnant--a rumor that even Rufus learns. She brushes it off, believing he thought he had to say it, and Rufus does a gay little dance when he learns that she isn't preggers. Nope, she's a bit busy trying to cover up B's worries that she might be pregnant. No worries: false alarm. But the storm didn't quite pass without casualties. B originally refused to take a pregnancy test, so Serena had to give her some tough love to convince her: "You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life and then I have to remind you that the only one watching that movie is you...you're acting like a total bitch because you're not hormonal?" B ingeniously counters with: "Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?" And channeling the viewers, Serena simply purses her lips and cocks her head to the side thinking, "Always."

Ultimately, S stupidly turned to Chuck since she believed him to be the only baby daddy option. Turns out B never told S that she'd slept with Nate too. Chuck took this as a prime opportunity to taunt B even more, suggesting he could be the father even though he knew he wasn't since he used a condom. But his antics were not met with a simple brush off, more like a dropkick to the side, saying: "So goodbye mistake-so-far-in-my-past-I-can-hardly-remember." He was so infuriated by her rejection that he texted GG with the juicy little rumor that B was the one who needed the pregger test and that she'd slept with two guys in the same week. Word got around fast and Nate was totally oblivious to how true it was, until Jenny enthusiastically confirmed. Little J was pretty peeved when she came to the realization that B is always going to treat her like shit and after hearing Serena blab to Dan about B's indiscretion, she knew just how she was going to get back at her. Seconds later, Nate roughs up Chuck and balances out Dan's declaration of love with a vehement announcement that their friendship was over--to Chuck's dismay. Boy looked really crushed. There were moments in their argument where it almost seemed like Chuck was trying to tell Nate that it wasn't just a fling.

Chuck was a little lonely on that curb that he got kicked to, but Nate was considerate enough to send him a friend when B randomly showed up at his house and refused to even consider that it was okay for her to cheat on him when they broke up for like 8 seconds. So she scampered off to crawl into Chuck's bed, but he viciously rejected her, saying: "You held a certain fascination, when you were beautiful, delicate, and untouched. But now you're like...one of the Arabians my father used to own: rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore and I can't see why anyone else would." She looked crushed, even though Chuck's gaze after she bolted was sort of remorseful. Of course B then takes it out on Serena, thinking she purposefully told Jenny and Dan to screw her over. She lashes out so deep, calling Dan her "low-rent boyfriend" and Jenny "his social-climbing sister who wears my hand-me-downs," that Serena can't help but leave in a huff. But of course Dan had to make her feel bad about being mean to B. He re-confesses his love to her minus baby-scare and reveals that he loves her because: she is unaware of her affect on him, she interrupts him when he speaks, she laughs like a 4-year-old, and most of all because she's strong enough to be friends with such a bitch. His inspirational speeches are probably the only reason B is even in the picture anymore. So S manages to stop B from leaving the country and B vows to bring Jenny down a notch and remind everyone why her nickname is B.

30 Rock
Jack gets dumped and Kenneth gets high coffee for the first time. To be fair, Kenneth was reluctant. I believe he referred to hot beverages as "the devil's temperature." Tracy creepily coaxed with the assertion that sometimes you have to cross boundaries, which is why he and his wife got rid of their safe word. Ill. Kenneth got so hooked that he described the sensation as: "It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain," and when Tracy tried to take it away, he said "Please don't do that. I'll make you feel good," in the most perverted voice ever. After Tracy gets him to snap out of it, he decides to move back home. But before leaving, he thanks Tracy for teaching him about the "non-reproductive aspects of sex," and Tracy begs him to stay, saying "Who will help me tell white people apart?" Ultimately, Kenneth doesn't leave, but the cast does perform a Gladys Knight song, right before she does a cameo.

Ugly Betty
Betty convinces Daniel to have full-figured models at fashion week to teach tweeners that anorexia isn't fashionable, Wilhemina searches for a surrogate since she's too old to conceive, Amanda searches vehemently for her father, and Christina searches for a way to pay for her husband's experimental surgery. Here are some funny lines:
Mark says to Wilhemina when trying to administer a hormone shot before an egg extraction: "I never thought I'd say this to a woman before, but turn around and bend over."
Mark says to Amanda when she takes her to a psychic to find her dad: "The first time I came here, she totally figured out I was gay." Amanda's much needed response: "So did the doctor who delivered you."
Betty's former teacher says to Betty while thanking her for giving the kids a tour of Mode: "They are New York teenagers, if they can sort of read and they don't kill me, I'm happy." Put that shit on a bumper sticker.
Justin to his bitchy female classmates who were adamantly advocating anorexia: "Don't hate me because I'm a guy and burn 26 more calories."
Betty to rapper Bow Wow when the elevator freezes: "Don't worry Mr. Wow." Side note: Bow Wow flirting with Betty was totally unnecessary and so was his declaration that he likes "freaks."

Grey's Anatomy
Alex was busy trying to boost Izzie's ego, since she's resolved to stop trying to be Christina and avoid heart surgery. He had a patient who wanted to use some mystical methods to heal herself instead of using medical procedures. Apparently, Alex's aura was very dark, which was hindering her process, so he admits: "Right, I'm the angel of death." But she then reads his dark aura as pain and says: "You were hurt so badly that sometimes you hurt other people just to spread it around." That makes sense. Once he drags Izzie in to bring some good energy into the room for the patient, one of the spiritual women says: "She brightens you that's for sure," and he quickly snaps back: "Shut up." Oh yeah, Alex and Izzie sitting in a tree. Meanwhile, Christina proved--by volunteering to hold the Miranda's baby's hand during his surgery--that she's not a cold-blooded surgeon like Han. And Han proved that she has a logical reason for her frequent rejections of McSteamy: they work together and she can't mix business and pleasure. It's really that cut and dry. On the depressing side of the show, Miranda is getting a divorce. George's mom drops in unexpectedly, still believing that Callie is married to him. When Izzie accidentally breaks the news to her, George tries to explain that he will not go into marriage counseling with Callie and that it is officially over. He declares that he has to learn how to take care of himself. He tells Lexie that he "wants to be the guy that Bailey named her baby after," which is a noble task to take on. But somehow that translates into finding an apartment for him and Lexie. Meanwhile Callie reveals that she just misses being an O'Malley. And Meredith finally finds out that Derek kissed Rose--from George--then they break up because she doesn't want to move too fast--as in moving into a big house where the extra rooms will be for their future children. Jesus Christ Derek you haven't even gone on vacation together or introduced her to your parents or gotten past the whole you-concealed-your-wife thing.

Big Shots
Duncan gets his job back and lets his wife get married to the devil, while accidentally causing his fake son to attempt suicide. Brody role plays with his wife Janelle--revealed to be Charisma Carpenter ("Angel")--for their anniversary. Apparently, she enjoys pretending that her husband would cheat on her...with her. I'm just glad that they weren't trying to show the perspective of a man who is driven to cheat by an overbearing woman. And best of all James makes a mixtape for his bff Katie that was supposed to score a commercial they were pitching, but she took it as a way for him to woo her since he discovered that she was pretending to still date that married man. She was so smitten by the lyrics and the music that she was ready to give it a shot with him--heck so was I--but then it turned out he wasn't actually being romantic. No worries, she still went to Duncan's ex-wife's wedding as his date. Lastly, the best line was when Duncan looked over the city skyline after getting his job back and says, "You can practically touch the indifference."

Friday Night Lights
Julie takes a while to tell her dad that it was Riggins' fault. He exclaims to her: "Damn Julie. Damn." Before she told him, she actually had the audacity to go to Riggins and pretty much coyly get permission to not tell her dad the truth, so she wouldn't get in trouble. Meanwhile, Riggins goes home to his brother and discovers that not only did he break up with the next door neighbor, but they need to scrounge up $2,000 in order to keep the house. So if Julie would've spoke up sooner, maybe he wouldn't have stolen money from that psycho drug dealer he used to bunk with. I smell trouble. The other side of the show was that Smash was being hounded by college recruiters everywhere he went and his mom was afraid that he was going to leave her. Coach tries to tell him to make a conscious and responsible decision. He asks what his mom thinks about the schools and Smash asks, "My mom?" and the Coach responds blankly: "Yeah, the woman who gave you birth." In the end, he gets into his favored school TMU. Can't wait till next week when Riggins tries to woo Lyla...unsuccessfully of course.