ALBUM REVIEW: Pink's Break-Up Album Ironically Dubbed "Funhouse"

Pink's first single, "So What," off her new album Funhouse was a nice primer, but to be honest the lyrics are kind of juvenile and hardly indicative of the solid content that runs through this comeback record. It's true that she's only been off the radar for the last two years, but her singles have the uncanny ability to become billboard staples for months, so technically she hasn't really been gone that long.

However, during her absence she's been going through a personal matter that Madonna and Alex Rodriguez can relate to--one that she playfully put on display in her video for her first single. Divorce is a bitch, especially when a flake breaks your heart. While fans never expected this wild child to marry, tying the knot with Cary Hart, an extreme sports athlete with a penchant for hard-partying, definitely seemed like a Pink-thing to do. Heck, she was even the one to pop the question, while he was going hundreds of miles per hour on a track. It's not that she isn't your average girl, it's just that she refuses to be classified as such. She lives life the way he rides motorcyles--working off pure impulse. Being filled with that much passion can lead to one of two paths: either the Amy Winehouse-route of rehab and public displays of idiocy or one of concentrated artistry where all emotions are funneled through an art form.

You could say that this album shows that she went through the seven stages of grief, managing to verbalize her denial ("I Don't Believe You"), her anguish ("Please Don't Leave Me" and "One Foot Wrong"), her hatred ("It's All Your Fault"), her depression ("Sober"), and even the final stage: acceptance ("So What"). But expressing these emotions aren't easy when you've been pegged as the mature version of Avril Lavigne's pop rock persona. So it was wise of her to dabble in blues-ridden country rhythms ("Crystal Ball" and "One Foot Wrong"), country rock ("How Did We Get So Mean"), and, of course the purveyor of all things angry, rock itself ("Ave Mary A"). I think what I love most about Pink is that, unlike Jessica Simpson who practically asked her fans permission to try country, Pink just did whatever the hell she wanted...and very well too.

DOWNLOAD
The tracks I would recommend downloading though are impressive because of their production value. They get you amped up, hoping for a better day:
+ "Sober," which will be her second single, was partly produced by Danja, who has worked with artists from Madonna to Ciara, but managed to diversify his dance-beat rep with this heartfelt declaration of inner turmoil.
+ "Please Don't Leave Me" was produced by Swedish beats-master Max Martin who has worked with punk-dance princess Robyn, who would make an awesome tour mate for Pink.
+ "It's All Your Fault" was also produced by Martin, but it's especially fantastic for how many different times it fluctuates in rhythm, but still keeps the message strikingly clear.

TV Highlights: "My Own Worst Enemy": Henry's Wicked Little Therapist

While I was alarmed by Henry's finger-crushing revenge on Edward for killing his college bud, and by his reckless disregard for protocol when he got drunk in the presence of a highly dangerous informant, and by the clever MacGuyver-way Edward escaped a set-up using a makeshift bomb, and even by the amount of money ($2,000) that Edward spent on a slutty party dress for Henry's preteen daughter, I wasn't in the least bit shocked to discover that the person who saves Henry from another setup is his smoking hot therapist.

They've told Henry a billion times that his condition is a secret and that he must trust NO ONE! But when an agent of the secret organization who works for the creepy head boss poses as a faux FBI agent and dangles the possibility of freedom in front of Henry to determine whether or not he's broken, he memorizes the phone number that he can contact him at. Technically, however, Henry promised to keep quiet and do Edward's job right if he made more of an effort to be just like him when he wasn't around. Taking his daughter along to meet up with an extremely dangerous man wasn't apart of the deal. I, personally, would've left an angry message for him, but Henry decided it would be best to get out of this Jekyll-Hyde situation. Luckily, when the agent was about to execute his termination orders, Henry's therapist terminated him first. He's one lucky bastard.

Next week, we'll explore more of Ray/Tom's hectic life, when his wife sends a P.I. after him. That should get interesting real quick.

Side note: I appreciated the tech guy coining a term for his double-agent: Hedward.

TV Highlights: "Heroes": Elle and Sylar's Transformation

According to Elle, Claire reminds her of Dorothy going to see the wizard (Pinehurst). So what does that make her? The wicked witch?--you know, cause of the way she reacts when water is poured on her. I never can quite understand how two people can bond when they hated each other just seconds ago. Maybe I'll buy the budding brotherhood between Peter and Sylar, but Elle and Claire just seemed like another pairing of convenience. Dumb Blonde and dumber blonder went on a plane to get to Pinehurst, because apparently they didn't realize that when flight attendants tell you to turn off your electrical devices, it's not because they're jealous you have the new iPhone. I would've been happier if Claire had knocked Elle out--I'm sure it counts as turning off her "electrical device."

Losing his powers, apparently gave Peter amnesia, because he tried to assault his father with a chair, as though telekinesis isn't one of his many powers. In an attempt to sway Sylar to his side after he broke in to save Peter, Arthur revealed to Sylar that his mother tried to drown him in a tub when he was a baby because she had a vision of what he would become. While it seems that Arthur has Sylar under his thumb, he cushioned Peter's freefall after mind-shoving him out of a window. Elle and Claire arrive as Peter is plummeting to his death. Instead of running from the building screaming, Elle decides that it's a good idea to trust the people inside because she wants her powers taken away too. Hmm, does she also want them to push her out of a window? Claire takes Peter to safety and Nathan visits him just in time to learn that papa Petrelli is alive. He wouldn't believe that his father would be evil and Claire shoves this retort down his throat: "Believe me, dad's aren't always what they seem." Awww, snap!

Parkman finally used his mind-reading power to read Daphne's mind. Of course, he only did it once and searched for the wrong information. While I was impressed with how he convinced the anger-eater that he had killed him and Daphne, how didn't he realize Daphne was conning him as per Arthur's instructions? He should've known when she went from zero to 60 by kissing him as a reaction to how "cool" his power was. Apparently, Arthur is blackmailing her. He said that he'd put her right back where he found her. Where's that? Probably somewhere she can't run around. Gasp! What if she was in a coma and he took her subconscious out and put it in someone else's body, like future-Peter did to present-Peter.

Nathan introduces his baby mama and his current roll in the hay, causing me to realize that he's now dated fire and ice. Next is either earth or wind. Then they can form a band called...I hate Nathan.

Meanwhile, it turns out that that the reason Hiro won't go back in time is because he doesn't want to change history. Truth be told: if he always went back in time to change things, the show would be no fun. That's why there should be a more obvious consequence to time-traveling, like it takes a year off of his life or something. In order to figure what to do, he eats the mixture the African precog gives him and then passes out with white eyes, similar to the one that Isaac used to have before having a vision. Note to self: Never eat tree sap and animal shit mixed together.

Next week, we'll have an entire episode that flashes back to before they were heroes and villains. I hope that doesn't mean an entire episode without powers. It would be almost as excruciating as watching several seasons of a costume-less Superman.

TV Highlights: Secrets Revealed on "Desperate Housewives"

They spent the episode explaining what happened in the five years that we missed and how that contributed to the troubles they had that night:

+ Carlos lied about getting a vasectomy, which he had to confess because Gabby didn't get her period and she wasn't too keen on--and I quote--having "a 10 pound baby who's going to shoot out of my hoo-ha." She comically yelled: "Halle-damn-luyah I got my period!" right after Ms. McCluskey appeared to have a nervous breakdown courtesy of Edie's psycho husband Dave. He rearranged her furniture while Edie took her out for her birthday cocktail so that when she returned she would think that's she's losing her mind. Instead, she barged in on her surprise birthday over at Susan's house and tried to bean him in the head with a baseball bat, leading everyone to believe that she'd gone senile. Of course, in the end Dave admitted to her in the ambulance that he did do what she suspected, but he was genuinely sorry he had to get her out of the way so that the real person he was after would get what they deserved. He or the voice-over said it was a guy and my money's on Mike, since he was so interested in getting him to join the band and practically bought a house for him. I'm sure everyone's speculating that it has to do with the mother and child that died in that car accident, since Dave said his enemy ruined his life, but I hope there's a cooler secret beneath his slimey surface.
+ Meanwhile, it turns out that while Susan may have initiated the divorce proceedings, it was Mike who insisted they see it through when she balked at signing the papers. I think he was sick and tired of her overly dramatic behavior. It's a wonder that her boytoy hasn't caught on yet. Nope, instead he's declaring his love for her and asking if he can move in. Of course, she told Mike before they signed the papers that their love was a once in a lifetime thing, so I'm guessing she's never going to commit to anyone ever again. Or if she did, it wouldn't be to a 20-something house painter.
+ During those mysterious five years, Tom was electrocuted on the job and had to be revived. His near death experience jumpstarted his mid-life crisis, which lead to the purchase of the ruby red convertible and the recent purchase of an RV, which he wants to use for a year-long family road trip. How would they afford that you ask? No worries, he sold the restaurant...without asking his wife! Naturally, Lynette reminded him that the pizzeria they purchased was enough carpe diem to last her a lifetime. I don't think he was listening though.
+ Last but not least, Bree, who was the most shocking of the evening, became an alcoholic when Orson went to jail and her daughter took her grandson away. Her salvation came in the form of her former nemesis Katherine, who volunteered to move in in order to keep her on the straight-and-narrow. She told her that whenever she felt like wallowing in self-pity by taking a drink, she should focus on building her career, because Orson wouldn't want to come home to a drunken failure. You know, because ex-cons have standards. She was essentially returning the favor for when Bree gave her a job and made her partner after her world fell apart. So basically Bree's obsessive spotlight-hogging behavior is Katherine's fault, so she shouldn't complain when she does it.

Next week, I think I caught a glimpse of Carlos accidentally giving one of his clients an orgasm and Tom supposedly being tempted by a seductress (or maybe that was Carlos' client--although posing would be pointless since he's blind).

TV Topic: "Grey's Anatomy": Declarations of Love

At the beginning of the season, Cristina felt slighted by the fact that Burke won an award for his cardiothorasic work that she helped him on. Actually, if she didn't cover his ass while his hand mended, he wouldn't even be on anyone's radar. This episode was a reflection of that minor incident that erupted into a theme: Men tend to under-appreciate women.

Last night, Derek got all the credit for Meredith's idea to do clinical trials for a specific type of brain tumor. His pretty boy mug and voluptuous mane was plastered on the cover of a medical journal and the cure for the disease was dubbed the "Shepherd Method"--not one word about Meredith was printed. Later, he defended himself by saying that she wasn't a good enough doctor yet to be given credit. Insane right? But Miranda gave him sage advice: "If it were me, I'd start with 'Thank you.' You'd be surprised how far that one goes, especially with us 'silly emotional women.'" At the beginning of the episode, when all of the surgeons were informed that they would be apart of what is known as a domino surgery, where 12 patients are either giving or receiving an organ donation simultaneously so that no one chickens out at the last minute--what great faith the medical community has in humans (lol)--Cristina asked if she could keep one of the dead kidneys. Suddenly, everyone else wanted one too, including Meredith. So to apologize to her and give her proper gratitude, McDreamy gave her one in a jar.

It's ironic that she gets one though, since she dropped one in the OR and Bailey had the nerve to scream "Five second rule!!" Beyond funny. They sewed that puppy up and into the patient and nervously waited for it to "pink up." That patient was super lucky, especially since the domino surgery almost didn't happen. The way that it works is that a sick patient has a loved one who isn't a kidney match, but that loved one is a match for someone else. So that loved one agrees to donate their kidney to a stranger as long as their loved one gets one from someone else's loved one on the same day. Everyone had a sister or husband or father with them except one girl who kept getting patted on the back for her selfless generosity. But by the guilty look on her face, I knew she had an ulterior motive. It turns out she was doing it for a loved one that was in the room--it just so happens he was married and his wife volunteered for the surgery too. The home wrecker thought that if she gave her kidney just like his wife did, then they'd be even and it would be easier for him to choose between them. But in the end, he showed no interest or concern for her and she felt like a complete idiot.

Watching that patient have a nervous breakdown finally woke Lexipedia, I mean Lexie, up just in time to scold George for being an inconsiderate jerk. The chief told his friends to all give him one intern and they treated them like trading cards, even going as far as to line them up in the cafeteria with their food trays and criticize their merits right in front of them--obviously Cristina's idea. Instead of calling dibs on her, George just waited patiently till they were done. In the end, the chief disapproved of their proverbial cattle sale. Miranda, who had the best lines of the night, said "You think I got to pick my interns and I picked YOU people because you're all such a surgical dream team?" Ouch! The chief assigned him a few and George just took them without a word. That was the final straw for Lexie. She proceeded to spout incoherent and unfinished sentences about how he just didn't see her or how she felt, and how she'd done so much for him (just like the patient had did for her boss, Cristina had did for Burke, and Meredith had did for McDreamy), but got no recognition or love in return. And, of course, all George could do was blubber confusion. He's due for an outburst soon. Since he used to be an intern, his interns don't respect him and they mutter sarcastic jokes under their breath whenever he gives them an order. Cristina told him to just break them down, noting all of their inadequacies, but he didn't seem too keen on doing that.

The boy-hateration didn't end there. FINALLY, Izzie put her foot down and demanded that Alex admit he liked her. Bold! I don't know a girl who would ever do that. I know of them--maybe Angelina Jolie, but seriously? Even Blair wouldn't do that. Then again, Izzie isn't a rich teenager with commitment issues. Inspired by her father-son donor patients, she decided she wasn't going to wait any longer to say how she feels, since the son had been holding a grudge for the last 20 years and only agreed to donating the organ when his father bribed him with $10,000 that I'm sure he doesn't even have. Even though the organ was viable, the man was still dying, and Alex blew up at the son and told him that he needed to say how he felt before it was too late and he regretted it. That little speech inspired Izzie to do just that. She literally repeated "I care about you!" like 10 times while inching closer to his face, ending in a passionate kiss initiated by him. Yayy!

And while heteros were doing all of the under-appreciating, Callie held up the other side of the spectrum, going above and beyond to pleasure Erica and recruiting McSteamy for a lesson on lesbian loving. Talk about an over achiever.

Can't wait for next week when Sergeant Army Bad ass (Journeyman's Kevin McKidd) returns and not only maims a patient in front of all of the other doctors, but fails to remember Cristina's name!!!!

TV Casting: New Villain on "Heroes"

Dan Byrd got the shaft last season when his really funny CW comedy "Aliens in America" was canceled. But he's not down for the count just yet. He's been cast as a possible vindictive, perpetually-lying apprentice to Sylar in the next volume "Fugitives." I guess Sylar isn't going to be nice forever.

As for his Indian pal Adhir Kalyan, don't feel so bad for him. He'll be appearing in three comedies in the next year: Kevin James' Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Fired Up, and Michael Cera's Youth in Revolt.

TV Highlights: Chuck, How I Met Your Mother, Prison Break, Terminator, Pushing Daisies, Smallville

CHUCK
+ Sarah's real name is not even the one we learned from Nicole Richie's character. Her father was a con artist who's in prison right now and she learned everything she knows from him and the government. Finally we get an interesting background for her and I'm actually starting to like her more.
+ Richie didn't do too badly. She's definitely more relaxed in front of the camera these days. The fight scenes were awesome too. There was a shower sequence that had the same song (Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up") from a Charlie's Angels fight scene, directed by the same guy, McG, who directed their pilot.
+ Richie's character kept alluding to Sarah's imprisoned father and she tried to get Chuck's nosy ears out of the conversation by pouring expensive wine on his pants, prompting Casey to say: "It's not the first American dollar wasted on a man's lap." Eck!
+ Ben Savage ("Boy Meets World") played Richie's geeky husband who was delusional enough to believe that Chuck was his protector. When he's first attacked, Chuck stumbles in on the harrassment as he entered the bathroom and comically says, "I just came in here to do my little boy business." That sounds like a bad ass to me.
+ My favorite part about the reunion was that Sarah went to high school in the 90s and they were playing 90s music practically the whole time, including Hanson's "Mmmbop," Backstreet Boys' "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)," and Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait" of "Dawson's Creek" fame." Flashback!

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
+ I cannot believe that Ted didn't get married and Stella left him for her ex-husband OR that Robyn had the cojones to say that she didn't want him to marry her in the first place. HELLO! Barney is in love with you. After all, he did say: "I don't want to sound all romantic, but Robyn is the only girl I want to bang this weekend." Come on, that's as close as he can get.

TWO AND A HALF MEN
+ "Tired of being at the mercy of the dealers?" said Charlie to Jake about watching the Food Network.

PRISON BREAK
+ The hacker betrayed them and gave out their location to the hit man. And since Michael is all-knowing, he predicted this, placed a tracker in his laptop and followed him to the meeting point. After the hit man killed the hacker, they kidnapped him and let Mahone get in a few hundred punches. I hope Susan B gets to torture his ass.
+ Sarah sort of came to terms with what Susan B did to her. We were all led to believe that Sarah's flashbacks had something to do with her own torture, but it was actually the murder of a female guard who helped her escape that traumatized her the most--so much so that she told Suzie that she plans on killing her once this is all over.
+ Susan B made a deal with a scary Asian guy to hand over Silla for $125 mil and told T-Bag that he could have $25 mil once this was all over. T-Bag threatened to kill her if she didn't deliver and then he got the secretary to steal her prints as insurance.
+ Agent Don Self was dumb enough to threaten Susan B. I have a feeling she's going to end up shooting at him in the future.
+ Sucre almost died from a stomach wound when they were trying to retrieve the general's card, but he's fine now.
+ Sarah told a defensive Michael that if he starts feeling the symptoms of his mother's disease, he should tell her immediately, and I have a feeling he won't be doing that.

TERMINATOR
+ In this episode Sarah, John, and Cameron were tailing a psychiatrist who has something to do with the future. We learn that he helps train the Artificial Intelligence software that that creepy red head is designing, but they get caught up in all their own personal issues. While Cameron was hilariously diagnosed with social disorder (Asperger Syndrome), John reflected the emotions of a war veteran, who tend to miss the simplicity of the past.
+ It turns out the real reason Sarah has been constantly asking him if he's okay is because when they were kidnapped by that comptuer guy and tied up, we were all led to believe John watched as she murdered him so they can escape. But it turns out John was the one who choked him to death. Unfortunately, it's changed him considerably. A gun went off in the house and he said that he was just cleaning his gun. Suicidal soldiers and cops often use this excuse when they fail to commit suicide properly or chicken out a millisecond before the bullet penetrates their skin. His bullet grazed his face, so one would wonder why he would clean a gun with the muzzle pointing at his face, but he swears he's not suicidal.
+ Meanwhile, Derek was off sitting in a park, waiting for something he was told to wait for in the future. There he spots his former lover who says she traveled back in time to retire and be with him (as if he's there on vacation). But after their little roll in the hay, we see her push surveillance photos of John under her bed. So either she's gone against the revolution or the future has changed so much that they're no longer a part of the plan.

PUSHING DAISIES
+ I thought it was hilarious that not only was Emerson Cod's mom white, but a chain-smoking gum shoe. I also liked that Olive and Chuck finally resolved some of their issues. However, I bet Daisy fans had mix feelings towards the last scene when Chuck uncharacteristically shows up naked underneath a blanket to Ned's apartment. Perhaps this was to appease all of those viewers who are baffled by their sexual restraint. There! Your question is answered. They do think about sex--probably way more than you do, since you can actually have it.

SMALLVILLE
+ Finally we're getting to the core of Superman's mythology...or at least Lois & Clark's. Not only did we get to see him fly (well, my dad says he just jumped really hard--get it? Leap tall buildings?), but Jimmy is starting his obsession with the caped crusader. He's already a Clark worshipper and now he's gunning for the perfect candid of Metropolis' do-gooder, which he's prime to get next week.
+ Meanwhile, the character who seems to be going through the motions of becoming the villain Doomsday is falling rapidly in love with Chloe, which would explain the rumors I'm hearing of her wedding reception turning into a Blair Witch-type massacre.
+ Oliver's old friend and the new head of Luther Corp's plans have also been slightly revealed. It seems she's forming a team (much like Mr. Petrelli is on "Heroes") consisting of "misunderstood" meteor freaks, like the one from this episode who can turn into a shadow.
+ My favorite line was when Chloe referred to Clark's powers as "bonus features," like he was an action figure.

TV Topic: "Gossip Girl": Chuck's Revenge (S. 2, Ep.7)

Chuck + Blair + Vanessa
+ Vanessa was trying to get a speakeasy saved and landmarked, but yuppies were trying to buy it up, so she went to Dan's school to get a petition signed. She saw Blair and thought it was a smart idea to blackmail her into getting a thousand signatures or she'd email the picture of Marcus and the Duchess making out to GG. Blair decided to use this opportunity to make up a reason for her to get to sleep with Chuck. She said that if he destroyed Vanessa, he could have her for one night, but you could see in her eyes that she planned on sleeping with him either way.
+ Chuck went to the speakasy, fell in love with its history (hookers, drinking, debauchery, etc.) and decided to buy it when originally he was supposed to pretend to be interested in it and then back out. V didn't trust him for a second, but the owner did and he said something like, "I know you're a good guy, I can tell." Chuck got all proud of himself until his dad refused to allow him to buy it and told him that he was unreliable and that "Luckily, letting people down is your forte." He looked heartbroken, but thankfully V overheard the whole thing and decided to console him. They had a little eye-contact moment and she started to believe he was a good guy. He didn't give any evidence--like pawing at her or trying to kiss her--to the contrary, but B was lurking around, getting more and more jealous by the minute.
+ After they came out of his room, B told him that the bet was off. He thought it was because she thought he was going to win and get to sleep with her, but it was actually because she didn't want him to sleep with V. He was sooo confused because she was acting weird, so she resorted to telling V that she dared Chuck to be nice to her and crush her dreams. V didn't believe it at first and then Chuck went to stop her from being mean to V, but then B implied that he wouldn't get to sleep with her, so he stopped and he let V believe what she wanted (or so I thought--I'll explain later).
+ At the end, B said that V was "sufficiently" humiliated so they could sleep together. Again Chuck was confused, but agreed to meet up with her in an hour. He went to the speakasy to tell the owner that he was still going to try to get the place landmarked, but the guy didn't believe him and said that he was wrong about him and he's not a nice person. Chuck seemed heartbroken and I thought he was going to bail out on B, but he showed up in her bedroom. They started making out passionately, but then he paused for a second and repeated the exact same words she said to him at the end of the first episode of the season, asking her to say those three little words as if he was prepared to say them back this time. But she refused to say "I love you," and laughed in his face, leading him to believe that she couldn't have said it before either. He got off the bed and said: "I've chased you for long enough. Now it's time you chased me." I think when he refrained from helping Vanessa, he had decided in that moment that he would test Blair later.
+ While I'm not too thrilled about his sudden chemistry with Vanessa, I do enjoy her helping him spice things up between him and B--it makes it more of a tug of war, rather than a hanging.
+ In the next episode, B tries to seduce Chuck and discovers he's a whole lot more resistant than she thought. lol

Nate + Dan
+ It seems like Nate is cheating on Chuck with Dan, and as usual Chuck pretends like he doesn't care. I'm not sure if Nate just realized that Chuck can be kind of a buzz kill or if he's pushing him away to avoid any more charity. You know, cause you never want your loved ones to see you hurting. Dan, on the other hand, isn't a loved one.
+ Nate was hanging out with Dan the entire episode. There was this funny part where Jenny was making fun of Dan for not having any guy friends and accusing him of only befriending girls (which I see no problem with), so he called up Nate right in front of her and started talking guy slang (using a lot of "bros" and outdated language) to invite him to play soccer now that Nate had gotten him on the team as an alternate after a bunch of the players got mono from the same girl. It was painfully sad. Rufus is cooler than he is. lol
+ Being the spaz that he is, Dan forgot he agreed to meet up with Nate at the park and showed up at his house instead, and discovered that it was condemned and chained shut. He snuck in and saw a sleeping bag and realized Nate was squatting, while his mom hid from scrutiny in the Hamptons. So basically the Humphreys pulled a 7th Heaven, had an "intervention," and invited Nate to stay with them. My friend Erin says that that will lead to Nate and Jenny hooking up...not to mention, a possible pregnancy scare. At least their babies will be pretty and fashionable.

Serena + Eric
+ Lily and Bart told the kids that there were new house rules. Suddenly they have a 1 am weekend curfew and can't go out on weekdays. Ridick! I think, actually, that their segment was the saddest part of the episode. I'll explain.
+ Serena refused to listen to the rules after Chuck told her that Bart only put these rules in place cause he had Southern investors in town and they expected them to have family values. He also told her that those rules don't apply to him, because his father barely acknowledges him (but of course we learn he's wrong, because he's father refuses to be associated with a speakeasy). Serena spent most of the episode complaining that Lily always puts her latest boyfriend/husband before her and Eric, but then she realized that her problem wasn't with Bart, but with Lily. It took her a while, but she got there.
+ Unfortunately, she came to that realization during a magazine interview in the middle of an industry party after revealing to the reporter that one of Lily's husbands used to have cocaine spread out on different table surfaces all over the house and she often abandoned them to go off with her lovers. Wow! Bart has a lot of cleaning up to do.
+ Later Lily apologizes for being such a shitty mom and Serena apologized for ruining the party. Lily, Bart, Eric, and Serena sat around the living room table and shared a huge cake, digging out of it like they didn't own plates--kind of like a real normal family would. However, there was no Chuck in sight. And even if he was there, I seriously doubt he would've been welcomed with the smile that Bart genuinely had plastered on his face. I don't know if Bart is faking it or if Chuck was wrong and his father can love, but he just can't love him.
+ Eric introduced his boyfriend (he's cute) to S and B, but decided he didn't want to come out in a magazine, so he didn't invite him to the party. Also, Serena claimed in the episode that she practically raised him by herself and whenever Lily left town, they'd either crash at B's or Nate's house. (No wonder he fell in love with her; they were practically living together.) I can hardly imagine S taking care of anyone ever. How could she have if she was the drunk girl of the school? That's weird. But then again that would explain why Eric tried to kill himself.

Scoop: I read that either Vanessa, Bart, Rufus, or Nate is going to die. My bet is on Vanessa, but only cause of that paparazzi photo of Jenny crying her eyes out. She would for Nate too, but I don't think they'd ever kill him or Rufus either. If they kill Rufus, Lily would practically self-combust. Now that I think about it, it makes more sense for Bart to die. It would give Chuck more plot lines if they address whether or not his father even left him anything. Heck, next season Nate and Chuck could be the poor kids of the show instead of Dan, Vanessa, and Jenny. Or they could explore how all of that money might go to his head--even more than it already has. There's also the possibility that Jenny's crying could've been about herself, especially since she's about to become a selfish ho-bag. Hooking up with Nate, possibly getting pregnant, always arguing with her dad, and hanging out with that new reckless model could all be catalysts in breaking her down. What do you think?

Favorite Quotes:
+ "Who watches TV on a TV anymore anyway?" Eric to Serena about the new house rules regarding television. That was a lovely dig to the way TV shows are ranked based on Nielsen ratings, which don't cover Internet viewing and screw GG out of a high rank.
+ The new B recruit had a "disciplinary hearing" where she was being scolded for her fashion choice. She tried to defend herself with: "I didn't realize that...", but was interrupted by B screaming "...leggings aren't pants???!!!" Note to self: Don't buy Lindsay Lohan's leggings.
+ "Our ringtone for you was 'Since You've Been Gone.'" said Eric to Lily during their heart-to-heart. Ouch!

TV Topic: Heroes' Mr. Petrelli

+ As expected, Hiro didn't really kill Ando. Because if he did, then we wouldn't have been given the lovely treat of watching "Tom and Jerry" antics reenacted by real live humans. *shakes head* In an attempt to recruit the African precog who guided Parkman, they tried to sneak up on him, failing to remember that he probably already envisioned that. Even when Hiro saw a drawing of himself getting conked on the head with a shovel, he was still confused about what was going to happen next. What was even funnier though was that when they first arrived, they saw a drawing of Parkman carrying Daphne. Hiro said that the man in the drawing looked familiar and Ando said, "They all look the same to me," which prompted Hiro to call him racist right before he started to call out, "Hello? Mr. African, sir?" That's not racist, but it's just as funny.
+ Parkman is now irrationally in love with speedy Daphne, just because he saw a future where they'd be together--hands down the only hopeless romantic on the show, aside from maybe Hiro. The genius decided to badger Daphne with endless questions about the company she works for and the things they make her do, instead of just reading her mind. Total waste of time.
+ After Daphne appeared in Silar's cell to invite him to the villains team meeting, leaving behind a nifty little business card, he stupidly broke Peter out of his drug-induced coma in order to cure their mom of her paralysis. Of course, Peter's suffering from "the hunger," so he promptly rebelled. I liked that "evil" Peter uses his powers more. In a matter of five minutes, he used electricity, flight, and invisibility. Evil Peter may be a hothead, but at least he's more interesting to watch. However, it confuses me that Silar isn't even more tempted to kill Peter than any other person. Yes, he's his brother, but he also has more powers than any other person he's ever met. That's got to be torture to resist.
+ Unfortunately, when Peter went to the villains meeting by himself--after putting Silar in a drug-induced coma of his own--he not only discovered that his dear old "suicidal" dad was actually alive, but that he's actually a douche. Apparently, Mr. Petrelli also has the power to take other people's gifts. But instead of slicing their head open or just needing to be in close proximity like his sons, he just has to touch them. He touched Adam and took his immortality power, which had the side effect of turning him to dust. Under the pretense of hugging his son, he sucked him dry of ALL of his powers. Luckily, it didn't kill him, but that doesn't mean he's in the clear just yet. He is after all in a room full of villains devoid of morals and boundaries.
+ In the preview for next week's episode, Mr. Petrelli uses the line: "You can't choose your family, but you can choose a side." Does it really matter what side he's on? He doesn't have any powers! Looks like somebody's going to have to crawl back to Sylar and hope he can think of a way to get them back.

VIDEO: "The Office": Jan's Baby Daddy?

TV Topic: My Own Worst Enemy's Mind Control (Ep. 2)

+ I was under the impression that Edward and Henry were going to be bffs, united against The Man. Alas, it isn't so.
+ The damaged chip that controls their personalities can't be removed or replaced. However, Henry is eager to remove it with the misguided notion that he can prove he exists. I would love for that to be true--for Edward to be the fake personality, because then we'd get to see how much Edward values his miserable existence.
+ Henry hits up one of his college buddies for a CT scan and that poor doc "falls" off of the hospital roof. Naturally, Henry suspects Edward--and honestly, who wouldn't?
+ We learn that Edward really really isn't nice. He threatened to kill Raymond/Tom if he tells anyone (besides their boss and the tech guy) about the chip malfunctioning.
+ Edward figured out that Henry resurfaces whenever he gets this creeping sensation of anxiety. From there he has 60 seconds or so before Henry arrives. That's kind of helpful.
+ And while Edward is a pretty tough guy, Mavis is actually worse. She had someone spray Henry with a mist that sent him into cardiac arrest, and then she began this whole diatribe about how he needed to decide if he wanted to live by her rules or die by his own. With the paddles ready and hovering over his chest, she refused to save his life until he agreed, which was hard to do since he was gasping for air. Crazy!
+ For some reason, whenever Henry/Edward end a conversation with their wife, they say, "I'm not sending you back anytime soon." Back where? Hmm. I have a feeling that's going to come up again later.
+ The messages written in marker that Edward leaves on Henry's hand are killing me. He's such a snide, self-important son of a bitch. Your car does not equal his wife. Stop hummingbird-ing her. Eck.
+ I was intrigued by the pilot, but I'm starting to lose interest. Henry rebelling is an interesting plot choice, especially since the title-character of "Chuck" just seems to go with the flow, but unless you're going to reveal huge chunks of their background, I'd suggest refocusing on the missions Edward is assigned.

TV Topic: True Blood's Creature Mythology

+ Apparently, vampires spread rumors about their abilities and weaknesses, so that they can blend in better. They have people believing that they don't appear in mirrors and that holy water, garlic, and crucifixes burn, but it's not true. So whenever someone accuses them of being vampires, all they have to do is dip their hand in holy water or show them their reflection. Voila! They can mainstream until sunrise...cause then they have to lock themselves in a sunless location so they can safely go into paralysis. *shakes head*
+ For some bizarre reason Sam was running through the fields butt naked. It might have something to do with his possible canine DNA. You know, cause when he changes he can't wear clothes. Although, if I were him, I'd hide clothes all over town. Hey, wait a second! He only changes at night and he wakes up naked. That sounds awfully similar to Oz in "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer." Maybe he did kill all those women. Someone should match their death dates to the full moon schedule.
+ Sam was particularly peeved cause he found out that Sookie got her freak on with Bill. He practically called her a whore. (Side note: Apparently, Lafayette does have limits and they start with an aversion to being bitten during sex. Who knew?) I really just tuned in to see Sam could really fend off the three evil vampires who want Bill to give up mainstreaming and join their group. Unfortunately, Bill swooped in--after murdering Sookie's crippled uncle who felt her up as a child--and resolved the situation by publicly rejecting her and agreeing to leave with them. Unfortunately, a bunch of drunk rednecks torch the house the vamps are staying in in the morning and four coffins are found filled with blood. Cue the tears Sookie.
+ Sam told Tara that he wasn't very "close" to his family, which might be code for "I'm a dog and my parents don't approve." Wait, is he a dog or a werewolf? Cause if he's a werewolf, then aren't dogs notoriously hostile towards werewolves as per that truly accurate 80s movie Teen Wolf? Or is that a lie too to throw humans off? Hey, maybe that dog who always follows him around is his family. Maybe he was raised by dogs. IDK! lol
+ After an exorcist told Tara that her lonely bitchy behavior is due to a demon that's inside of her, she apologized to Sam for ditching him. I guess she figured the easier way to cleanse her body--aside from having sacred rocks transfer the demon from her body into a possum that would then be viciously drowned--would be to make more of an effort to not be socially retarded. That does seem like the more rational decision. As for whether there really was a demon inside of her mother or not, I have no clue. We'll see if she's still possessed next week I guess.
+ Last, not but not least, that unrelenting perv Jason found his V-licking soul mate and had psychedelic sex with her. Next week, I think he sells his sister out to those Fangoria vamps for some more. They're really running the gamut of a drug abusers behavior with him. First, he assaulted his sister. Then he steals the family's valuables to get more drugs. And now he's betraying his sister.

CAST WHO?: Amy Adams seeks an Irish mate

Amy Adams (Enchanted) will play the lead in the romantic comedy Leap Year, about "an uptight woman who travels to Dublin to propose to her boyfriend on leap day, February 29th, following an Irish tradition in which women propose to men on that day and the man has to say yes. When weather derails her trip, she enlists the help of a surly Irish innkeeper to make an unexpected cross-country trek to pull off the perfect proposal in time."

First off, that tradition actually exists. Secondly, everyone knows that the key to a rom-com is chemistry (i.e. a hot romantic lead). So the most important component of this film has yet to be cast. If we're looking for authenticity, then let us peruse the roster of Irish actors roaming through Hollywood. Wow! There are slim pickings:

1. Colin Farrell: Let's see, when was the last time we've seen the formerly drunken bloke in a rom-com? Heck, when was the last time we've seen him? Next!
2. Jonathan Rhys Meyers: Even though he did a great job at being romantic in August Rush and Bend it like Beckham, there's absolutely nothing funny about this "Tudors" star.
3. Cillian Murphy: While he was adorable in the small indie Watching the Detectives, he's played the creep-card one too many times (Red Eye and The Dark Knight) for anyone to want to watch him fall in love.
4. Glen Hansard: He scored an Oscar for composing a romantic song for the indie Once, which he starred in, but he might be too unknown to play a lead in a big budget movie.
5. Jason O'Mara: He's a tad old (36) for her, but with a new series, "Life on Mars," on ABC and notable appearances in "The Closer" and "Grey's Anatomy," he has at least a shot of playing the guy she's pursuing, while some other cute bloke could play the guy who goes on the road with her--and who will most likely steal her away.
6. Stuart Townsend: He seems more interested in directing than playing a love interest, which leaves us with these few unknowns:


A.J. Buckley (left), the former "CSI: NY" regular looks harmless enough to sweep Adams off her feet, and newcomer Karl Geary (right) could be just what Adams is looking for.

Who's your pick?

TRAILER: Anniston & Wilson's "Marley and Me"

Pet lovers unite! Here's a Christmas movie for the whole family, even the dog.

FILM: "Max Payne" Surprise Ending

Alright, I don't know what the surprise is, but I do know there's a post-credit scene that you should stay for.

I haven't seen it yet, so for more info on that, click here.

FILM: New in Theaters - 10/17/08

MY PICK FOR THE WEEKEND: I don't know much about Mark Wahlberg's latest flick, an action video game adaptation called Max Payne, but I do know three things:
1. He's in it.
2. There's comic-book-worthy graphics.
3. There are killer action scenes.
What more do you need?

But...if you're looking for something a little more serious and relevant, I'd shoot for the much-buzzed about Oliver Stone biopic W, starring Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men) as President Bush and Elizabeth Banks (Definitely, Maybe) as his wifey. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a comedy or a criticism--just the truth.

If you're looking for good old teenage fun and you've seen Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist already, then I would suggest trying the virgin-road-trip rom-com Sex Drive that should give Eurotrip a run for its money. It might star a few underrated actors, like Michael Cera's comedy partner Clark Duke (Dale on "Greek") and 27 Dresses' James Marsden, but it has a few memorable cameos (from the likes of Seth Green) and humiliating moments that should have you hooting and hollering at the screen. However, I must stress that nothing could possibly top the "journey of Caroline's gum" in Nick & Norah...although, that bit with the donut costume and the tazer does look pretty damn funny.

If you're interested in seeing if a 14-year-old Dakota Fanning can act better than she did in her glory days, then I would suggest watching the dramatic adaptation The Secret Life of Bees. Starring Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, Alicia Keys, Paul Bettany, Sophie Okonedo (Hotel Rwanda), Hilarie Burton ("One Tree Hill") and Tristan Wilds (Dixon on "90210"), the film tells the story of a young girl who runs away from home with her African American caretaker in the racist 60s to find out the truth about her late mother's past, while residing with three beekeeping sisters.

TV Topic: Mad Men's Alternative Lifestyles

This episode explored the alternative lifestyles that erupted from the 50s and 60s. Don went out to California to avoid the pain of Betty's constant rejection. He lost himself in the world of a young girl who seemed nomadic, carefree, and very Euro hippie amongst her equally relaxed older friends. He was entranced by her beauty and forward advances. It wasn't until the end when he discovered that the man who practically pimped her out was her youth-starved dad and witnessed a man demand to see his ex-wife as he practically rescued his tired children from her grasp that he realized that that world was not only not for him, but simply a variation on the one he ran away from.

Meanwhile, the older (but not wiser) version of him, Roger, decided to propose to his young secretary, presenting another hot trend in those times of men remarrying younger and less socially accepted women as their own personal mid-life crisis signifiers.

And while infidelity, remarriage, and the rise of the hippie are all interesting factors to highlight from that era, the most explosive alternative lifestyle on display in this episode was that of the Italian they hired to get a younger demographic's perspective. It turns out Europeans don't make such a big deal about coming out of the closet. In fact, they probably would laugh at you if they realized that you were in a closet. They prefer window displays darling--loud and proud. His accent made it seem like he was telling them to shove it, but that didn't stop them from making ignorant remarks once he left (cowards!) that made me cringe. Unfortunately, this topic was brought up because he mentioned that he was going to take Peggy to a concert, which they thought was a date. Actually, she thought it was a date too. So, naturally, when he came over to pick her up, she tried to give him an out, and ended up asking why she always managed to pick the wrong guy (*cough* Pete *cough* Father Gill *cough*). Like the natural-born cliche that the televised homosexual has become, he immediately offered to give her a makeover--chopped off her hair and actually made Pete notice the next day. Now all we have to do Italiano is wrestle her to the ground and get her into Joan's wardrobe. Voila! Bellissima!

TV Topic: True Blood's Addictions

In the wake of Gran's death, everyone's addictions came to light--and not just Jason's. It became quite clear that they all cling to something that keeps them steady, sometimes to their own detriment.

While at first it seemed Sookie was taking her grandmother's death calmly, she finally broke down when the town snoop tried to throw away Gran's leftover pie to make room for more food. Although she didn't say it out loud, she immediately desired Bill's consoling touch. Unfortunately, it seems he's paralyzed in the day time. But once night came, she satiated her hunger for his affections by finally consummating their love--vampire bite and all.

Tara sought consolation as well...in Sam's arms. After her mom took to the podium to thank Gran for taking care of Tara when she was too drunk to, she asked Tara for thousands of dollars so that she can get a demon exorcised from her body. Hey, if there are vampires, I suppose there can be demon spirits. Whether or not there are any in her drunk ass, I don't know. But this seemed to be the final-final straw as Tara laughed her way out of the conversation and practially begged Sam to have sex with her to distract her from her thoughts. He, however, demanded to not have to keep it a secret this time and to be treated kindly, like he wanted a relationship. It would seem that he's desperate for any type of company, addicted to the caresses of a woman in a worst way than Jason (if that's imaginable). Meanwhile, Tara leaves right after the sex romp, rejecting Sam, and returning to her own addiction: her mom's emotional and physical abuse.

And last, but not least, the town addict Jason, proceeded to fall down the rabbit hole further as he popped V-patches onto his tongue like they were tic tacs or better yet like those dissolving Listerine squares. He couldn't take the grief or the rejection from his sister, who he slapped and blamed in a rage, so he self-medicated his emotions away. He's as pathetic as they come.

TV REVIEW: "My Own Worst Enemy"

I know what you're thinking. It's been quite some time since anyone has mentioned Christian Slater as anything other than a Page Six reference, so it's a little weird that he's now the lead in his own spy series. All signs point to major failure, kitsch, and absurdity--kind of like "The Knight Rider" remake--but I'm saying it aint so.

In the pilot, we learn that not only is Edward a spy who works for a Bond-M-like lady named Marvis (Alfre Woodard), but he's a volunteer for a government experiment that develops an alternate personality that serves as your everyday cover. So instead of giving their agents a fake passport, a nice condo in the middle of Nowheresville, USA, and the freedom to date sporadically to keep up appearances, they gave them an alternate identity that makes them appear completely normal, because it doesn't know it's not real. This it I'm referring to is named Henry and he's existed for the last 19 years. He only realized that he was the manifestation of millions of dollars of technology that switches him on and off like a blender and scrambles his consciousness, making him think that those memories of traveling through Paris and making love to a mysterious woman was all a dream, after he...let's call it "resurfaced" in the middle of a hit that Edward was supposed to perform. After the rescue extraction by his co-worker Tom (Mike O'Malley from "Yes, Dear"), who volunteered for the same program, he is debriefed and shoved back into his world with new eyes. What do you do after someone tells you you're just a figment of someone's imagination--someone cooler and in total possession of your body a majority of the time?

Henry had a totally normal reaction. He rifled through Edward's things, trying to get to know him, cause he clearly would never get to meet him. Soon we discover that Edward used to play football, his parents died in a car accident, he joined the army, was given the Medal of Honor, and he "died." He is by all definitions an all-American hero. Of course, when we see Edward, he just seems like a burnt out, hungover hounddog. He's like a weathered 60-year-old in a 40-year-old's body. All of the evil in the world has turned him into a pessimist, so much so that the only reason he agreed to the experiment was to prove there's such a thing as free will, and he certainly is proving it. Never before has the system had a glitch, where a personality would resurface without being called upon. Both sides are fighting to inhabit the same mind--and what a mind it is.

Where Edward certainly has his strengths, knowing something like 13 languages and several combat techniques, Henry seems to be adept as well. He has this method where he tries to solve a problem by accepting what he believes to be true even though it's impossible. So when he went to his super hot therapist (who I think is in on it) and described his dream, he accepted it as having really happened, in order to work his way to the truth. And when the men who are trying to kill Edward, came to kidnap him, he accepted the idea that he had two personalities, even though it seemed unlikely. Henry probably wouldn't have had to do that if Marvis didn't erase his memory of the last few days to protect the project, believing the glitch to have been fixed. But it seems that if Henry wants to exist, he's either going to have to convince Marvis to train him so that he won't be inept if he resurfaces in Edward's world or he's going to have to trick her into thinking he's Edward all the time. As for now, she doesn't seem in any hurry to terminate him.

I'm most interested in seeing Edward interact with Henry's kids, which are technically his kids. We've already seen him ravish Henry's wife, to Henry's dismay, which lead to a cute exchange at the end where Henry left him a scolding video recording. I'd love to see more of that--them get under each other's skin more...so to speak. Henry already crossed the line apparently when he drove Edward's car. It's kind of like putting two completely opposite twin brothers who've never met in the same room and then telling them to get along. I have high hopes that this show will do well at least for the first few episodes. We'll see where they go from here.

TV Highlights: Heroes' "Angels & Monsters" (S. 3, Ep. 5)

+ We learned that Nathan was given his power, just like Tracy, who was born a triplet--Niki and Barbara were her sisters. One of my friends has this crazy theory that Nathan isn't really a Petrelli and Skylar was kicked aside to make room for him, but of course they're not the same age so that's unlikely. We were speculating because we're unclear as to how the "hero gene" skipped poor Nathan.

+ If you remember, Nathan told Peter that their father committed suicide after suffering depression. Of course, he learned of that before he knew he had powers. Now that we're aware that the world is filled with heroes, it's no suprise that Mr. Petrelli is alive...barely. He's hooked up to a breathing apparatus and seemingly paralyzed, which is ironic since he seems to possess the power to paralyze others, having done so to his wife in order to prevent her from stopping his master plan. He has Parkman's mind-altering father projecting Linderman into Nathan and Daphne's mind in order to get them to do things that will create chaos. Still, however, I wonder whether his "suicide" was actually attempted murder by Angela or just her excuse for why he abandoned them. Does this mean she's good or just a lesser of the two evils?

+ My friends also pointed out that nearly all of the heroes are becoming villains and the villains are becoming heroes, whether through manipulation or voluntarily. Claire, Ando, Daphne and Peter's future selves performed evil acts. In the present, Hiro stabs Ando in the chest (who knows why?), Mohinder turns into a homocidal beast, and Peter is emotionally mutated when he absorbs Sylar's power. Meanwhile, Angela and Sylar are doing their best to do good, teaming up with HRG and trying to make amends with Claire.

+ I hear rumblings that we'll soon learn Claire's origins, why Sylar referred to her as "special," her ties to the first generation of heroes, and the real reason she's so heavily guarded by HRG/her dad. Also, [SPOILER] I heard that that putz Adam is going to die.

+ Upcoming episodes have titles like "Villains," which should finally reveal them, "Our Father," which I'm sure isn't an hour-long prayer, and "It's Coming," "The Eclipse" (a two-parter), and "War"--none of which sound like good news.

TV Highlights: Chuck, Greek, The Office, Fringe, and Grey's Anatomy

CHUCK
+ There's a moment where Sarah has to shoot a woman who's using Chuck as a shield and pointing a gun pointed at Bryce, but Sarah hesitates because she doesn't want to miss and hit Chuck. A few years ago a similar thing happened with Bryce and she had no problems taking the shot, so naturally Bryce claims he's looking out for Chuck by telling him he should dump Sarah because she isn't doing her job. I say, Bryce is a douche--a jealous douche, who realizes now that she never really loved him. But Chuck didn't need to witness that happen again to realize she's off her game, so he lies and says that some day when the Intersect is out of his head, he wants to settle down with a normal girl and the truth is Sarah will never give up her job to be normal. Then he dumps her. Tear. Of course, this opens the door for an upcoming episode where the other girl Bryce stole from him, the one from college, resurfaces.
+ Meanwhile, Morgan was getting bullied by the huge and muscular employees of the sports store nearby and Anna had to save his ass, making Casey comically interested in recruiting her.
+ Best line: Chuck was worried that Lester was overworking his little buddy, and Morgan assured him: "Please Chuck, I have mad work-avoidance skills."

GREEK
+ The huge upset of the evening was when the winner of the presidential election turned out to be Ashley. I sort of saw it coming when she had to break up a huge pubilc argument that Casey initiated by announcing that Franny was the one who ratted out Rebecca to Nationals minutes before the winner was announced. She's a professional wrangler that one. But it's sort of funny cause she was happy to be freed of her social chair duties and now she has to run the entire sorority.
+ While it is a nice change of pace and an interesting twist, the real reason it's good is because we'll start to see Casey for who she truly is. She tends to belittle the people around her a lot: her brother, her ex-bf Cappie, and even her bff Ash. Sometimes I think it didn't work out with Evan because—besides the fact that he cheated—she couldn't live up to his standards. She rather be around people who were following her lead. In the next episode, however, we'll see that Ash will be two-stepping to her own drum beat. She better watch out though, cause sleezy Evan told Franny she doesn't have to be the prez to lead, which means she might try to manipulate Ash to get her to do what she wants and drive a wedge between her and Casey.
+ Meanwhile, Rusty and Cappie went speed dating, ending in Rusty re-dating that lying, sneaky Jen K and re-dumping her after realizing she frowned upon the Greek system (and framed her scathing, front-page expose). And Calvin broke up with his adorably sad boyfriend, possibly to pursue things with his ex Heath, who is wayyy more compatible with him.
+ Cappie lost major points from me for retracting his love for The Goonies. That's sacreligious.

THE OFFICE
+ Michael practices how he's going to react during Jan's labor with Dwight, using a poor, defenseless, buttered watermelon, and tries to throw a baby shower for her. He recruits Phyllis and gets annoyed when she doesn't put as much effort into it as they did her wedding shower, and he mistakenly says: "Where's my golden shower Phyllis?!", which of course is also a reference to a sexual fetish where people are aroused by getting peed on...in the shower I think, cause otherwise it would get messy...TMI!
+ Michael thought that Jan was going to name her daughter Astird, which Meredith pronounced Ass-turd. In actuality, she was to be named Astrid, as we discovered when Jan showed up with her new baby girl already born. Totally uncool Jan. An episode with Michael trying to facilitate birth would've championed the final scenes of Knocked Up.
+ Before Jan came, Michael told Holly that he had to treat her badly because he didn't want Jan to feel insecure, which sort of made perfect sense for once. He was expecting her to be bloated and unpleasant, but she had already had the baby and looked great. He still, however, felt the need to treat Holly like crap, which confused her. But when Michael held Astrid and felt no sort of attachment to her, Michael's allegiance to Jan faded. She strictly ordered him not to date Holly--most likely because after an awkward exchange with her, she realized they were soul mates and she wanted to crush any chance he had of being happy, for old times sake. Luckily, Michael ignored her, went upstairs, apologized to Holly with a hug, realized he felt something (I cringe to know what) and FINALLY asked her out on a date. Can't freaking wait for that episode. I hope it's a double date with Ryan and Kelly. That would make my year, especially if the night ended with Michael walking Ryan to his door, which I'm probably thinking of because he told Holly he would be treating Ryan like crap too as though Jan found him to be just as much of a competition. (Did I mention how uncool it was for Ryan and Kelly to be left out of this episode? It would've been a perfect time to talk about their future together.)
+ There was a hilarious exchange between Michael and Darryl, who was candidly trying to explain to him that he can't be a "baby daddy" if he didn't help make the baby.
+ Meanwhile, Pam and Jim were out of sync in this episode, suffering from the dreaded curse that's befallen every long distance relationship. We were, however, given a little treat at the end, when they conducted a conversation with each other's voice mail that sounded like they were talking to each other. Romeo and Juliet have nothing on these two.

FRINGE
+ Peter has become so accustomed to their routine of being assigned cases that when their boss barged into the lab with urgent news, he felt inspired to say: "Visiting hours! Everybody put on their best straightjackets."
+ This time they had to track down a guy who's mind was altered to control machinery...I think. They lose me sometimes.
+ Olivia sees her dead partner/lover whenever she's alone and he talks to her, gives her warnings, and even leads her to a private room in a basement that held all of his personal files about The Pattern. I tried to speculate why this was happening, but I was distracted by how similar his disappearing acts are to the "ghosts" of "Lost," which made me miss it even more. That and the music have an eerie connection to Abrams' other love child. Wouldn't it be hilarious if one of their cases had to do with a flight that went down on an island where there were experiments with electromagnetic fields and babies? Yeah, and by hilarious, I mean, completely unnecessary--revolutionary, because it would link two shows across two networks, revealing the secrets of one in another and sharing a fan base, but completely unnecessary. The real reason she was seeing him is because of the experiment she participated in in the first episode in order to save his life. Their minds were connected and part of his consciousness crossed over into hers, making them eternally linked. The doc says that his appearances are her way of pushing him out of her mind. Well, isn't that disruptive.

GREY'S ANATOMY
+ Callie chose to use Bailey as her lesbian godmother, coaching her through a transition into an "alternative" lifestyle (I hate that word). However, Bailey wasn't quite prepared for Callie to emotionally explode all over her. The expression on her face was like she had told her that she planned on having her butt grafted onto her face. Luckily, she recovered in time to calm Callie's nerves so that she could eliminate some of her insecurities about the sexual portion of said lifestyle. There was a lot of talk about the "motherland," "below the belt," not being interested in certain "cuisine." If I were lesbian, it would have felt like getting the sex talk from my mom, cause even I was mortified.
+ Christina became fascinated with the dermatology ward, when she went in there to get a prescription for one of her annoying clinical patients. It turns out the inside of Dermatology looks like the inside of Private Practice: calm, serene, and relaxing. The residents are in their early 20s, they wear pink, they get to leave early, they give each other really cool cases instead of fighting over them, and they have a masseuse on-call. As Christina said, "It's like watching a living freak show." Since the chief refused to allow everyone to stick to the fields that were their favorites, and Meredith got to scrub in on a unique heart surgery, and Alex and Izzie were fighting over a brain tumor extraction, Christina felt the need to find a haven. She literally took off her sneakers, got comfortable on their couch, and watched the Derm residents like they were a soap opera minus the drama. "They just love lotion. Do you know how much easier life would be if we just loved lotion?"
+ Meredith and Izzie soon discovered how relaxing the section was and joined her for their own reasons. Derek found Meredith's mother's diary in the den, which made her nervous because she thought she'd finally closed the door on her mother's negative criticisms, since she was dead, but here there was a possibility of a whole new batch of them. Later she and Christina read the diary together in Derek's trailer, which he is now lending to her so that she can have her own space to go to when he encroaches too much on hers. There was even a nod to the Derm ward at the end when we see a sign that says "Dermatology" hanging outside of the trailer.
+ Izzie got so sick and tired of Alex's douchebag behavior that she threw a hospital supply at him, which made a nurse stare her down. Of course, Izzie proceeded to promise to pick it up. Heck, even I was scared. But Alex deserved it, even though he later explained that he was only being a jerk because he couldn't yell at his crazy ex-girlfriend Eva, so he had to yell at someone.
+ The biggest news of the night, of course, was that George passed his test. I think his case was really cute. Sad, but cute. He was trying to convince a doe-eyed kid that he would be okay if he allowed them to operate on his heart, so he thought it would be a great idea to bring him into an OR and show him a really simple bloodless surgery. Unfortunately, he walked into the one where a man had his face peeled down to his nose as a baseball-sized tumor was being pulled out. I would've screamed, but that kid wanted to stay. In fact, after George quickly carried him out, made him promise not to tell anyone he saw that, and brought him to the right OR, the kid sounded super disappointed when he said that that surgery was boring. Ah ha! George was triumphant, because then he said that his surgery would be just as boring, convincing the kid to give the okay. I think Georgie has a future in pediatrics. Him and Karev could be partners if Alex takes up the neonatal ward.
+ The saddest part of the episode was when George completely forgets Lexy exists after he discovers that he passed, and neglects to return for her after gathering his former roommates at the bar to celebrate. She pretends she's going to join them and then goes off to a corner to drink alone. She gave up a huge surgery for him in the last episode and she is so clearly in love with him. Why is he so blind?

TV Highlights: Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, True Blood, Big Bang Theory, and How I Met Your Mother

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
+ Gabby's daughter Juanita was picking on Susan's son MJ and she defended his weakness by saying, "You saw her. She can take down a small deer." When she took matters into her own hands by trying to show Juanita what it felt like to be pushed to the ground, Gabriel came to her rescue. Susan tried to brush it off without a physical altercation, but she crossed a line when she said: "Tell Bob and Lee that I'll pay for the dent in their lawn." That would be the dent that Juanita's chubby little ass made...and Susan's going to hell.
+ It was very bizarre watching Mike and Susan's new boyfriend play-fighting like they were brothers.
+ Andrew had the balls to sell Gabby a piece of crap car to replace the one she had to sell, and after she discovered the car overheats, he told her to avoid hills and keep it in the shade. Her response was: "I can't go around trying to avoid gravity and sunlight."
+ I now choose Bree as my favorite for this line and this line only. When she discovered that Danielle had new lifestyle practices, like being a vegetarian, she refused to allow her grandson grow up without meat, so she told him that Danielle grew up big and strong by eating meat. He naturally asked if she didn't want him to grow up big and strong and Bree's response was: "Maybe she thinks if you get big, you'll leave home and go play for the Red Sox." The horror!
Update: Edie's new boyfriend has the same last name as that crazy pharmacist who stalked Bree, so people are saying that he's come to avenge his brother's death...even though it was suicide.

TRUE BLOOD
+ I wasn't in the least bit surprised that Jason's ringtone lyrics were: "Shake that ass or I'm going to shake it for you."
+ This was Lafayette's description of one of the funeral attendees, who doubles as a town gossip: "If she talks any more shit, she'd be shaped like a turd."
+ I can't for the life of me understand why Tara insists on leading dog-boy, I mean Sam, on. He's a little creepy--hot, but creepy.
+ I can't wait to see what's wrong with Tara's mom--Is there really a demon inside of her?--and to see if Sam can actually fight off 3 vampires with a broken pool stick--I seriously doubt it.

BIG BANG THEORY
+ Leonard wanted Sheldon to congratulated Raj for his achievement and smile, but when he tried, he looked terrifying. So Leonard said, "We're hear to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman." Ahh, the first of many Joker-Ledger references.
+ Raj started getting perks at their job and Wolowitz was jealous, so he said: "An assistant? If I want a new pen, I have to go the bank with wire cutters."
+ Leonard, Sheldon, and Wolowitz were considering replacing Raj since he was turning into a self-important douche. But after evaluating the qualities of their new friend, he sarcastically determined: "Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed, our new friend is going to be...Iron Man!"

GOSSIP GIRL
+ Chuck brought a new meaning to the term "Freshman 15," by giving it lewd connotations.
+ Chuck was trying to get into a secret society and the boys were thoroughly impressed with him. The leader of the pack said, "Rumor has it you've slept with more Maxim covers than John Mayer." And of course Chuck had to respond, "And better I might add."
+ I never noticed how much Serena has taken from Blair: Nate, her mom, the girls at school, and now Yale. This statement is totally justified: "I'm sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie. Life's too short. But you make it feel so long."
+ I'm convinced that once the secret society boys tried to turn on Nate, Chuck decided their club wasn't worth it. He sent them after Dan, pretending he was Nate--what these boys don't have Facebook or Gossip Girl links?--and set them up to do despicable things on tape. When they confronted him and he dropped that little bomb, he concluded with this: "You may be the future leaders of America, but you are now under the control of Chuck Bass. I own you." Perfection.
Update: There are pictures circulating of Jenny weeping and Eleanor and Blair consoling her. After readling this post with clues, I've narrowed it down to either Vanessa or Rufus. And even though she was crying too hard for it to be V, I vote for V cause I don't think they'd kill the Rufus-Lily storyline. Plus, wouldn't it be great if her death were Chuck or Blair or even Nate's fault. Remember, B wants Chuck to destroy her in the next episode.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
+ Barney punches a hole into a wall when Ted breaks up a girl fight. Of course he would, it's practically sacreligious.

TRAILER: Adams & Blunts' "Sunshine Cleaning"

I'm always amazed that Amy Adams and Emily Blunt surprise me every time. The leading-ladies-in-training are playing sisters who start a business cleaning up crime scenes so that they can get by. It's a dark comedy with heart.

TRAILER: Kevin James' "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

I tried to not applaud the cheap laughs, but as I remained calm, I realized how good Kevin James (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) is at physical comedy. Think of this one as if Home Alone's Kevin McCallister grew up to be a fat rent-a-cop still up to the same shennanigans.

Do We Need a Captain America?

I'm a little worried about the message that Hollywood is trying to send us these days. While I accept the war dramas, political documentaries, and action-packed conspiracy thrillers, I cringe at the thought of politically-driven superhero franchises.

It's understood that every superhero story is an allegory for some aspect of the human existence and not just stories about sixth senses and special gifts. Spiderman is actually a coming-of-age epic, X-Men is based on the ripe prejudices of our present, and even Batman focuses on the duality of human nature--the constant fight between good and evil within oneself. But lately superheroes haven't been fighting 8-armed scientists or magnetized super villains. No, their focus is on armies of robots (Transformers), Middle Eastern tyrants (Iron Man), and now war (Captain America)--the most patriotic superhero ever created, even baring the red, white, and blue.

Captain America originated during the Great Depression, raised in a poor family. He tried to enroll in the army after learning of the horrors the Nazis inflicted on the Jews. But he was a very sick kid, so they rejected him. A General witnesses him begging to join and decides to offer him the opportunity to partake in a special government experiment known as Operation: Rebirth. He was injected with the “Super-Soldier Serum and bombarded by vita-rays.” After extensive combat training, he was given an indestructible shield, christened Captain America, and sent out on his first assignment.

But has our world grown so bleak as to require such a mascot of unity, courage, and defense? Perhaps...perhaps in a time where the most profitable hero to date is one of the darkest (Batman) and the subsequent superhero films mirror his tortured visage (Hancock, Watchmen), we are in need of a proverbial mascot--cheerful, optimistic, and absolute in his beliefs. The question, however, remains as to whether we want him.

TV Topic: Lipstick Jungle's New Blood Spices Things Up

Just as I was growing bored of Nico and Kirby's relationship a new character parachutes in to spice things up. James Lesure ("Las Vegas") has been cast as the CEO of Nico and Wendy's company. He's everything Kirby isn't...in a good way. While he may not be male-model hot, he is powerful, driven, confident, successful, and--most importantly--a suitable candidate to parade around NYC at dinners, galas, and industry events. Alright, maybe they have one obstacle: office romances are most certainly prohibited. But at least it's one step above dating someone who's not only half your age, but responsible for publicly filing a sexual harrasssment suit against you. So which is better: having everyone think you're sleeping with the boss to keep your job or that you're an adulterous cougar?

At first, I just thought he was going to play a thorn in everyone's side, threatening their job security and industry credibility in the time of a recession. And while he did shake things up by firing Wendy--leaving her open to start her own company I hope--and openly scolding Nico for her ill-advised fashion spread, he also took Nico's side against the opportunistic troll Josh, and practically applauded her bold faux "Letter from the Editor."

His addition marks the beginning of a new era in all of the ladies' lives. Wendy not only apologized to her husband for getting him his first job, but she stands on a new professional frontier. Victory has seemingly broken up with Joe Bennett--a man so self-important you have to say his whole name--for good and started a new relationship with the hot Latin contractor Rodrigo (Carlos Ponce), despite her publicists' attempts to make her personal life tabloid-worthy. And Nico tricked that turd Josh into quitting by pretending the new boss was bringing in new blood, while finally taking her relationship with Kirby out in the open...sort of. I can't wait for sparks to fly. Wendy and Nico should butt heads again if she starts dating the man who fired her, and Victory will learn the troubles of dating a papi.

Music Topic: PCD's Nicole Digs her Own Grave

I really wanted to give Nicole Scherzinger the benefit of the doubt. I thought she had a tough break--couldn't get her solo album out cause of shotty material, despite her amazing voice--but then I watched the latest Pussycat Dolls video for their single "Watcha Think About That," one of only two songs I liked on the 20-track album. One of the main reasons I liked it so much was because there were two vocals audible on the track, Nicole's and Melody's--finally it feels like a group effort. But somehow in the video Nicole was in 99% of the close-ups and Melody was in the dark with crap-lighting. I'm so not a fan of divas who think their group would never survive if they weren't around....even if it's true. Here's looking at you Aubrey (Danity Kane).

Update: I find Nicole a little less annoying after seeing this video. "I Hate This Part Right Here" is not half bad.